Society & People

Darty and Darty and Yeah!

The invention of the darty ranks up there with the wheel, fire, and the snuggie as some of humanity’s finest creations. Few things found on this earth can compare to the pure beauty of a darty in full force. The darty allure is so great that it should be looked into as a viable method to bring about the fabled “world peace.”

For those of you unfamiliar with a darty, I unveil for you its hidden beauty. A darty is a simple as its name sounds. A darty is the combination of two already great things: a party and daytime. A true darty must be celebrated outdoors usually accompanied by the grilling of foods such as hotdogs and hamburgers. The fact that it is held outdoors may seem like a disadvantage to many, but it preserves the greatness of the darty. Since it must be warm outside to darty it up, most darties typically occur after Skirt Day, instantly raising the appeal of the darty.

Another staple of the darty is outdoor beer pong. In order to stay loose while playing outdoor beer pong, basketball jerseys and lax pinnies are encouraged. Suns out, guns out, people. While these forms of apparel are usually reserved for the bros, sleeveless clothing has an uncanny tendency to either enhance the playing ability of the player, or enhance his peacocking abilities. Either way, it’s a win-win for spectators.

There are numerous advantages of a darty that cannot apply to a night party. For one, jerries do not typically begin their attack run on off campus housing until they can hide under the cover of darkness. This is important since darties are held outdoors, which means defense perimeters cannot be properly adhered to.

The darty also provides a “hidden in plain sight” element. The police are not privy to the concept of the darty and therefore will not attempt to seek admittance into your darty. No cops and no jerries. Couple this with post Skirt Day festivities and you have an event so epic that Zeus himself may begin his descent from the heavens to partake in the glory.

Not sold on the darty? Consider this: normal parties have a success percentage of around 75%. You have your good parties and then you have ones where guests in red vans show up. Darties are different. The success ratio is much, much higher. Ever heard of a bad darty? I didn’t think so. Also, even if your darty is by some unthinkable means bad, you still have the night to look forward to. There simply is no losing.

Darties are God’s gift to the working man. The weekend is simply not long enough to only party at night. As Rebecca Black said, “I don’t want the weekend to end.” Who does? We must make every second of the weekend count.

This can only be done by fully embracing the darty. So get your brews, get your burgers, and invite all the ladies. For where there is darty, there is hope.

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