Moan to Malone

by • August 13, 2011 • Society & PeopleComments (0)564

Dr. Malone,

Sorry to bother you over the summer break but I have an important question. Since it’s the summer and that’s suppose to be a time to relax and whatnot, I haven’t gotten my hair cut. It seems as though everyone hates my long hair and I can’t go a single day without people telling me to get a haircut. I thought this was what girls were into. Am I wrong here? Why am I not being fed grapes by Cleopatra while I bask in the sun? Should I trim the locks if I want to find love?

Tangled

Tangled,

Don’t apologize, this is clearly an issue that cannot wait. Your question is fairly simple Tangled. No, you should not cut your hair. Long hair is the way to go. But fear not, this is just one of those things that people with long hair have had to deal with for thousands of years.

You see, people with long hair have a gift. Have you ever needed to wear a hat? No. not only do you save money by never needing to buy a hat, you also need maybe one haircut a year? Girls should see this as an advantage as you have more money to spend on them.

Not to mention history is filled with long hair legends who have always gotten the girl. Take a look.

| The Rock at Boston College

Long hair = elvish princesses

Did Frodo get himself a fine Elvish princess? No. Did he have long hair? No. Coincidence? The Doctor thinks not.

How about this guy

 

He fought the French AND the Indians all to defend his honey.

Long hair also means you don’t need to engage in the pursuit of the opposite sex, take a look at exhibit A below

Just because Captain Jack didn’t end the series with Keria Knightley doesn’t mean he couldn’t have. It just meant he needed to be the in sequel.

Not sold yet? I’ll end with a guy that everyone should aspire to be/look like

Recorded time is structured around a Man with long hair. End of story. The girls who aren’t waiting in line to feed you grapes clearly are not the kind of ladies you want. But you don’t need to wait for them to come to you. You can always get you adoptive Mohican family together and trek through the woods in search of women who have been captured by Magua and the French. If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.

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