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The Top 5 Lamest N64 Good Guys

While The Rock likes to spend most of its time dealing with the things in life that bring in the good vibes, there are occasions where it is appropriate to shine the spotlight on people in life who take the fun down a notch. Nintendo 64 remains a staple in the living spaces of collegiate males. While N64 games are obviously good enough to have stood the test of time, certain characters within these games have prevented them from being, well, perfect.

This list honors, or rather dishonors, the five lamest characters from some of the best N64 games ever made. A few of them popped up in more than one game, but I’ll focus on the one they were selected for. These characters were selected on the basis of annoyance, lack of value to helping the mission, and overall general aura of suck.

5. Toad (Super Mario 64)

Toad (or Toads) may be cute, but they are overall very bad at their jobs. Not only did they fail to stop Bowser from kidnapping Peach, even though the castle was equipped with cannons. They barely even help the plumber who shows up to rescue her. Is anyone really expected to believe that a Toad couldn’t destroy a Goomba? Let’s be serious people.

Despite all of this, Toad is expected to be the keeper of the star in Mario Party. I don’t understand why the game doesn’t offer up the option to simply bully Toad into giving it up. He’s shown that he’s really only in it for himself.

4. Navi (Ocarina of Time)

Navi would’ve made the list solely based off the fact that the word “listen” has been in my head ever since I thought up the idea to do this article. But that raises a bigger issue with Navi. Navi is a fairly poor traveling companion. She just floats around and warns Link of potential dangers.

However, she offers very little help when it comes to actual combat. She never distracts any bad guy from Link, which could’ve given him an opportunity to shoot an error, seed, or just simply nut an enemy. Navi is perhaps more selfish than Toad, since she went along on the adventure with no real desire to help.

Note: An honorable mention must go out to the owl, which is easily the most annoying character in the game. Fortunately, he really isn’t in the game all that much. Hoot, hoot, ho? No, definitely not.

3. Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong 64)

Diddy Kong Racing may be a great game, but that doesn’t mean that Diddy isn’t a terrible character. The little pipsqueak is easily the lamest of the five protagonists of DK 64. From his peanut pistols (because chimps love peanuts) to his electric guitar, he is horrible in every way.

Donkey is the hero, Tiny is the girl, Lanky is the chill one, and Chunky doesn’t even really want to be there. Diddy is just riding on DK’s coattails and it is not cool. He doesn’t even get captured in a cool way. He could’ve easily from that jail, but of course he wanted to spend time with DK so he stayed in his cell. Not cool at all.

2. Falco (Star Fox 64)

Falco is kind of like Manny Ramirez after he stopped being good. He might have potential, but he’s not worth the trouble. Certainly not with all the complaining he does.

Falco loses more points because of the role that he should’ve filled on the team. With people like Peppy and Slippy, who are both completely devoid of swag, Falco should have been a lot less of a diva than he was. Was anyone supposed to care when he took off at the end of the game. Good riddance dude, too bad your ship didn’t explode when it got shot down.

1. Luigi (Paper Mario)

It’s hard to really pinpoint a game where Luigi isn’t completely worthless. Just look at Luigi’s mansion, where he saves the day with a vacuum. You know what’s lamer than a cartoon plumber with a girlfriend? A cartoon plumber without a girlfriend. Don’t even mention Daisy either.

Luigi rarely helps his bro, but usually it’s because he’s not around. In Paper Mario, he’s there. He’s just not helping out. He writes about his brother in his little diary, but leaves him to fight by himself and his new friends.

I can understand why Luigi wouldn’t want to help Mario get laid constantly, but it’s not cool that he doesn’t help him in potentially life threatening situations. Despite Luigi’s Italian heritage, he doesn’t seem too concerned with the concept of La Famiglia. Help a brother out man.

So here they are. Five guys who kind of helped out, but didn’t really do all that much. I guess the day still got saved, no thanks to them.

Got a point you wish to debate? That’s what the comment section is for!!!

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