Featured, Society & People

Moan to Malone

Dear Dr. Malone,

My neighbors, who I don’t know very well, are very loud in their amorous activities. While I understand that I am in college and that this behavior is par for the course, it is interfering with MY amorous activities because my boyfriend is put off by the sounds next door. How can I solve this problem without having this degenerate into a screaming competition??


Ideally, you’ll want to avoid the screaming competition. Since your boyfriend is put off by your neighbors, I doubt he’ll be much help to you.

Ideally, you should go talk to your neighbors. Chances are, they’ll be embarrassed by your revelation. Unless that’s what they’re into, they’ll be inclined to keep the noise down.

If not, you should invest in an air horn. If that doesn’t do the job, enlist your other neighbors to help you out. Boston has too many people, I’m sure you’re not the only one annoyed.


Dear Dr. Malone,

I went abroad last year and while I was away from campus I fell in love with a 25 year old Georgian who owns a vineyard. After wooing me with bottles of chacha and spending a magical semester together, we decided to try to make long-distance work. Issue is, he wants me to move out there after graduation to stomp grapes. After envisioning an I love Lucy scenario in Georgia surrounded by his sheep, I’m wondering if that’s the career path for me with a college degree.
On the Midnight train to GA?

Midnight Train,

Your man seems to eye long distance in a short term fashion. You need to decide if you’re okay with that. Long term is hardly long term in this instance.

Personally, I think you should go stomp grapes for a living. The job market is terrible and you know what you’re getting yourself into. Georgia has a nice climate and if you ever get cold, you can knit a sweater from the sheep wool.

Life is about taking risks. You might feel like stomping grapes is below your college degree, but remember that you wouldn’t have met your lover if you hadn’t been in college in the first place. Perhaps your degree’s purpose was to bring you to this point in your life. In the end you’ll have to decide for yourself, but don’t let a piece of paper get in the way of a life stomping grapes among the sheep.

One Comment

  1. Glad to see the return of Moan to Malone!

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