Featured, The World at Large

Rubio and the Watergate of 2013

What the heck is going on with the world? Why is the biggest thing I’m seeing from the President’s inaugural speech that Senator Marco Rubio took a sip of water? This was just one of hundreds of headlines re: Rubio Watergate: “CNN teases Rubio segment by asking if water-swig is ‘career ender.’”

That’s the number 1 trending topic right now. And the internet has been flooded with new memes and gifs of salacious sipping. News shows are dedicating ENTIRE segments to this. My only guess as to why this happened is the viewers were so bored with what both Obama and Rubio had to say that imbibing some H2O mid-rebuttal became the most interesting part of the night. Who cares about fact checking, and how our country is fairing…or failing as it were. I guess this is one of those, “Can’t attack his message, so I’ll attack the messenger.” rubio

Tell me, what would you rather see/hear, barring content? A clear, annunciated voice, where the tongue slides over the vowels and the s’s pass by smoothly; or a dry, gross crackling, where the s’s take on a sort of saran wrap crumpling up type sound, where white foam forms at the corner of the mouth (what is that stuff?) and crusties flake off the lips? When a mouth gets so parched, fresh breath takes a nose dive; plants wilt, dogs are ashamed of you, everyone in a 10 foot radius suffers; the only solution is water…and a breath mint…but water first.

I for one applaud that man. Not only did he do a sweet mini-electric slide while maintaining eye contact with his audience to get to the water but he continued the never-ending process of keeping a healthy body. Hydration is the key aspect of a healthy body and mind, next to breathing! Do you know how long the human body can last without water? 10 days, and that’s being generous by not including numerous outside factors (health before water deprivation, environment, etc.). Give me water or give me death…literally, I will die if not given water.

And do I sense some sponsorship dollars headed Rubio’s way? Poland Spring just got a huge shout out. Personally, if I’m in desperate need of some hydration I usually reach for Smart Water – though I’m probably getting ripped off; those Jennifer Aniston ads got me. Plus I want to be smart….I have dabbled in Dasani and even those weird brands you find at rest stops along the expressway; where they most definitely found an empty bottle out by the garbage, tore off the old label and taped on a etch a sketch one, ran it under the tap, and re-glued the cap that doesn’t really fit (I’ve seen Slumdog Millionaire, I know how it works). My brother is an Evian fiend and gets the shakes if he doesn’t have it, what a snob. I have purchased many bottles of the offensive brand in question, including those gargantuan bottles, looking like a giant Mortadello sausage; and, I’ve always enjoyed Poland Spring’s commercial jingle, “Poland Spring, what it means to be from Maine.”

Here are some facts: one should be downing a MINIMUM of 64oz. of water every day, more if you exercise…or sweat a lot. Rubio needs to down 7 more of those mini spring bottles to break even; but seeing as he‘s a politician, and talks a lot, because that’s what they do, talk and talk and talk, he should probably have about 8 more of those mini bottles hidden away. He should strategically place them all over the white house and then electric slide all over the place, keepin’ hydrated and still talking. I know who I’m voting for in 2016.

Water ’16.

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