With Marathon Monday coming up, it may seem that everyone around you has a boyfriend. This hyped-up holiday does nothing but make you feel incomplete without someone to be there to hold your hand while you cheer on all the marathoners and party hard, but not too late at night because quiet hours start at 10 pm (Bummer!). And let’s not forget that last year, the runners weren’t the only ones dealing with Heartbreak… 🙁
But never fear, because YOU don’t deserve to be alone on this day filled with cheer and booze and sunburns (that is, if it decides to be 90 degrees again, but I digress). Here are some tips on how to get yourself a fine piece of man.
The next time you’re in Lower Live@Corcoran Commons, go to Addie’s and scan the dining hall for potential candidates. Once you’ve decided on your hunk, make like a high school student’s mother and follow him like he’s a tour guide. If your journey takes you in the direction of Upper, odds are he’s either a freshman or lives on CoRo. This should be a red flag so go back to looking for another bachelor.
Once you are successful in following this boy back to his dorm building (I mean, MAN, because we are MEN and WOMEN for others!), if he doesn’t hold the door open for you, don’t despair! He probably just needs someone to show him how to do it! Not everyone is privileged enough to have come from an upbringing where everyone holds doors for every single person on the planet. He probably was deprived. Which means that you, and only you, are most likely the missing piece to his puzzle.
If he gets into the elevator, get into the elevator with him. And then go to the same floor as him. And then go down the same hall as him. And then walk up to the same door as him. But don’t follow him into his room, not yet. Wait a minute until after he’s gone into his room and then look at the nametags on the door. Now you have a good idea of what his name is, depending on how many roommates he has.
Now it’s time to stalk him…on Facebook! Follow him…on Twitter (or Tumblr, if you’re into that kind of thing)!! And you better hurry up and start commenting on his Instagram photos; a man needs many things, and one of those is to be bombarded with attention via social media. Believe me, he’ll love it.
This next part is really easy and will help you out immensely. You’ll just need to hack into his Agora account and find out his class schedule so you can always be waiting outside the door when he leaves. After about a week of this, odds are he’ll recognize you and will strike up a conversation. From personal experience, this is a surefire way to get him to talk to you.
Now, get his number. During the marathon, call his phone and when he answers, make sure the call lasts at least 30 seconds. Do whatever you have to do to keep him on the line. Impersonate a potential employer, tell him his mother is at the dentist’s and meant to call him but her mouth is full of minty yucky-ness so she had the dental assistant call him instead, inform him that he was selected to be in the next season of Survivor in Tahiti, whatever works. Once he hangs up, all you need to do is trace the call and pinpoint his exact location. You’ll find him in no time, and you won’t have to have ‘Forever Alone’ be your Facebook profile picture anymore because you, my friend, have caught yourself a man.
On a side note, I personally like to bring a pair of handcuffs with me. Not for anything weird later. But because once you find your man at the marathon, you may want to handcuff your wrist to his so you won’t accidentally lose him in the crowd. It’s almost like those backpack leashes for little kids!
Last word of advice, if your plan fails for any reason, and I see absolutely no reason why it would, don’t worry: you can always practice your technique on Valentine’s Day.