Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on any of the topics covered below, because English majors are awesome.
I, like many of my esteemed colleagues here at The Rock, are lucky enough to be members of one of the university’s most elite departments. I’m sure you could tell by my use of big words that I’m referring to the English department! And having an expansive vocabulary isn’t even the best part about being an English major. There are a ton of perks to studying English, and I’ll gladly share them with you!
First, despite what you may think, an English degree allows for a variety of post-grad options. I’m not the type to work a typical desk job like my CSOM friends—I want to experience all kinds of fields, and fortunately, my study of English has me prepared for anything. Some of the exciting career options that an English degree offers include waitressing, barista-ing or even working freelance! I don’t really know what “freelance” means, but I hope it has something to do with the guy from N*SYNC. Whatever I end up doing after graduation, I’m sure it’ll be quirky and fun, just like on Girls.
Much like that of my short-lived lemonade stand from the early 2000s, the modest income that an English major promises can teach post-grads the importance of economical living. Do you know how long you can make a box of macaroni and cheese last? Doesn’t take an Econ major to figure that one out! But being frugal doesn’t mean being out of style—with “Thrift Shop” topping the charts, the “someone else used to own my clothes” look is really trendy. Maybe I won’t be making the big bucks after college, but I’m no stranger to modest living situations. After all, I live in Walsh.
Most importantly, studying English has equipped me with necessary and unique skills. I can pull literary symbolism out of thin air—all I have to do is toss in words like “society” and “represent” and “metaphor” and everyone will think that I know what I’m talking about! Plus, all the literature I’ve been spending time skimming while my roommates apply for internships and go to the library is going to be incredibly useful in my life. I feel like I relate on a deeply personal level with authors and characters (you go, Daisy Buchanan!), and I understand so many movie references!
Though many college students fret over the usefulness of their majors and choose a course of study that guarantees them things like “job security” and “income”, I couldn’t be happier with my choice of major. I would encourage everyone to be an English major, but someone needs to do the actual work around here while I sit around reading short stories!