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Anxiety Patterns

Lately I find that most days I can’t sleep.

Well, I eventually do. But falling asleep has become so much harder.

My mind whirs a mile a minute as my anxieties become the real monsters under the bed, the true horrors that lurk in the dark.

When I muster enough will to push myself to go out and just walk around,

I’m all right. Because the world is beautiful,

And I find myself smiling.

Nothing like retail therapy. Christmas cheer in stores and in my coffee cup.

Macaroons. Champagne and risotto. A new sweater.

Hyde Park in the rain.

An impromptu fireworks show with my favorite song playing across the night sky.

Three friends watching a cherished childhood film.


Then it begins. The tiredness sets in.

Not a good tired, like earlier in the day

When I was walking around for hours and hours

Soaking in all the beauty.

A fatigue of being around friends

Who I want nothing more for them to go

And leave me alone.

The friends I was laughing with half an hour ago.


The shower is out of hot water.

Of course. Of all days.

I fight back the tears.

I want to be warm and sink into my bed.

But there’s no hot water.


Is it really the lack of hot water that’s bothering me,

Or is it that I feel so detached from everyone?

I’m so far away from routine and comfort

In this new land

But when I was safe in the past

I wanted nothing more than for it to go

And leave me alone.

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