This year, The Rock at Boston College is doing the season of joy in a big way by generating new content every day in our first ever “25 Days of Christmas”. The Rock is proud to present this final installment in our holiday special: a satirical Christmas Letter from our home to yours.
Dear friends, family, and acquaintances who happened to find this article,
Season’s Greetings from the Rock at Boston College! We’ve decided to take a page out of that annoying family friends’ book and provide you with all the details of what our staff has been up to in the past year. What a year it’s been, too–our chief Ian Thomas Malone graduated from BC, but more importantly, he acquired a copy of Morrissey’s Autobiography and hasn’t been seen or heard from since. Our 2013 graduates are all on to excellent things and we miss them dearly.
But with the passage of one senior class another will always rise. Despite the festivities for the Class of 2014 this year, the tailgates, the rampant weekday imbibing at Mary Ann’s, there is a pale cast of dread hanging over their heads as graduation looms on the horizon, a mere four months and twenty-six days from today, if you wanna get exact about it. Bia Lyrio maintains her denial about graduating and the need to actually find any kind of job. Instead, she decided to spend 2013 in close proximity to bottles of wine and the people she loves. She has never stopped missing the glory days of Cape Town. (But let’s be real, Bia, the Mods aren’t half bad!)
Despite hardship, this has been a year of great accomplishment for our seniors. Thespian Thais Menendez made a star turn as Marsha in the Theatre Department’s Brady Bunch-inspired production of Chekhov’s Three Sisters, and will be performing next in Sarah Ruhl’s The Clean House, which we can only assume is about vacuuming. And of course, Meagan McCarthy has taken the reins as editor-in-chief of The Rock of Boston College, helming our ship through metaphorical hardship and looking fabulous the whole time.
Then we have our juniors. Yes, the Class of 2015 are underclassmen no more: old enough to live in their own apartments and travel the world, yet still young enough to labor under the delusion that college is actually real life. Christian Petro described 2013 as a year of “drastic change” in which he could sense the “imminent approach of the real world”–but don’t you worry, Christian, you and your classmates will be prolonging the inevitable for at least another year!
Indeed, there are many lessons to be learned in the junior year, as our off-campus staff members are quickly discovering. Our resident stock guru Peter Donahue and hockey aficionado Austin Blank have been learning the ins and outs of self-sufficiency in their humble abode in 2000, subsisting on chocolate syrup and cheesy bread and wearing plastic bags for shoes. We wish we were joking. Please send help.
In international news, Kate Lewis and Danielle Dybbro both spent the fall term in the United Kingdom, and can’t wait to tell you all about what an incredible cultural experience they had drinking Starbucks and reading Dickens in an English-speaking country. When asked about their journeys, Kate started crying about the lack of biscuits and kilts in America, while Danielle is still recovering from having lived in the same country as her favorite band, Bastille, and could not be reached for comment. (Don’t worry, she should come to in time to see them at the Royale next month!)
Let’s not forget the Class of 2016, our dear sophomore class, who have emerged from the ashes of freshman year looking basically the same, just a little more wise. Melissa Warten made a “wise” decision when she decided to double major in English and Perspectives, so she spent the last few months of 2013 in Bapst, on Amazon buying more textbooks, and searching Lower desperately for a laptop charger.
Many of our own have gained valuable life experience this year. Chris Pinto, while rescuing a group of puppies from a burning building, dislocated his kneecap and was confined to crutches (he actually did it performing improv comedy. What an idiot, right?!). While unfortunate, Chris has learned what it’s like to show up to every class sweaty and out of breath, and that people will call him nicknames like “Cri(s)ppled” or “We didn’t invite you, put on your pants and go home.” In keeping with The Rock’s connection to the Physics Department, Erin Sutton acquired a URF with Professor Naughton and did research into bulk metallic glasses and other “fascinating” subjects. She also completed her first half marathon (and consequentially noticed that “I ran a half marathon” is the new “I got a haircut” at BC).
This year, Chris Kabacinski championed the Hunger Games–or rather, housing lottery–of BC, rising from the desolate conditions of District 12–er, Newton–to reside in the Capitol–I mean, an 8-man in 90. Meanwhile, our correspondents on College Road are just thankful for their health. In other housing-related news, Natalie Dolphin realized living in an 8-man was not all it was cracked up to be when her window on the first floor of Walsh became a highway for ID-forgetting illegal immigrants who proceeded to pass out on her floor.
And finally, we’re so proud to introduce our freshman class, the best of the best of the Class of 2017. They’re so happy to be here–happier than a kid in Mac on quesadilla night. Happier than a class of freshmen, eyes glazed over and mouths agape, when their 2.5-hour Perspectives lecture finally ends (seriously, who thought that was a good idea?). Even Joseph Dorion, our representative from California, can’t help but smile, but that may just be because his face is frozen thanks to these frigid New England temperatures. With BC exceeding expectations and Newton not being a nightmarish hellhole of as anticipated, Joe and his classmates are taking on all the slings and arrows of college life with admirable panache. (Just don’t try to navigate the snow in your board shorts and flip flops!)
As charming as these fresh-faced newbies are, they’re not without their fair share of social gaffes and frustrations. Saidhbhe Berry, for instance, takes the cake when it comes to falling; the Newton bus, the Comm Ave bus, the stairs inside Mac, the stairs outside Mac, and the huge staircase in the center of O’Neill can all stand witness to her ongoing battle with wet marble and bus drivers that break too suddenly. On an academic note, Jack Donovan encountered crushing disappointment in the form of his Tuesday night Cosmos class, when the promise of stargazing turned out to be a bald-faced lie. After a semester of dull lectures in Devlin 008, Jack is hoping for improvement as freshman year progresses. Better enjoy that optimism while it lasts, Jack!
From all of us here at The Rock at BC, have a very happy holiday and we look forward to providing you with more good vibes in 2014. Thank you all for your readership; a wise man once said no man is a failure who has friends, and we’d like to count each and everyone one of our readers among our friends, whether they return the sentiment or not.
The Rock at Boston College Staff