Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on any of the topics covered below, because though the author’s knowledge of athletics is questionable at best, she’s not as dumb as she projects.
BC loves sports! We love ‘em. We love the games, with the rules and the points and things. I, for one, am a huge fan of wearing an ugly yellow shirt and shouting obscenities at my enemies to break their spirit, so yeah, I love sports.
As much as I love sports, I know next to nothing about them. I played soccer and softball when I was young (because despite my seemingly ageless wisdom and maturity, I was once a child), and Quidditch in high school (because despite seeming cool, I’m actually a huge nerd). Because I care deeply about what people think of me, I don’t ask dumb questions about what’s going on at sports games and mask my ignorance by yelling when everyone else is yelling.
But fortunately, I have learned a thing or two about sports in the past three years (how’s that for learning outside the classroom?) and I’m more than willing to impart my knowledge!
Football is one of America’s favorite sports. It is also a linguistic nightmare for those traveling overseas. For instance, when I was abroad last semester, I had to keep in mind that what the British call “football”, Americans call “soccer”, and what Americans call “football”, everyone else calls “that silly game with the lads in tight trousers and helmets”. Culture!
Football games at BC are really exciting for one reason and that is tailgating. Nowhere else in the world can you wander around on a muddy field and get offered like ten hot dogs in the span of a minute. Seriously, they’ll just give them to you, just for being you! What a world we live in! (Other than that, football games are not that exciting.)
At BC football games, if you’re a girl or a particularly easy-to-carry boy, sometimes you’ll get thrown up in the air when we score, like a bar mitzvah minus chair plus intoxication. This is exactly as terrifying as it sounds, but you have to do it because it’s tradition. Does this school ever seem kind of cultish to you? Discuss in the comments section.
BC has produced some football legends in the program’s history, including that guy who threw a really good throw and so we encased his body in bronze to display outside of our stadium. [Note: Sources have since advised me that the Flutie statue does not contain the actual body of Doug Flutie. I’m not sure if this is a disappointment or not.]
Hockey is my favorite sport at BC. This is mostly because people hit each other and carry big sticks, and witnessing violence calms my angry spirit. Also because BC actually wins hockey games, and my dangerously competitive nature can’t handle losing. BC owes all of its hockey victories to Jerry York, who is a part-time hockey coach and a full-time swagtastic dapper-as-hell gentleman.
The most important part of the game of hockey is the puck, much like the most important part of the Shakespearean comedy A Midsummer Night’s Dream is the mischievous fairy Puck. I love the word “puck”. It’s so pucky. Anyway, the boys chase the puck and then hit the puck and then they score things.
BC’s biggest hockey rivals are the Terriers of Boston University. As a side note, have you ever seen a terrier? They are the least offensive and squishiest-looking puppies of all time. I feel no threat from them. The worst a terrier could do to you is bark at you until you want to rip your brain stem out. Unless it has rabies. Do they have rabies? I digress.
BC’s star player is Johnny Gaudreau, who is my Facebook friend for reasons I do not know because I have never actually met him. He is shorter than me, and his name works exceptionally well to the tune of “Johnny Be Good”. He scores goals, and things. Other people also score goals, but Johnny scores a lot of goals, therefore he is worthy of our admiration. Is that how this sports thing works? (Are you reading this, Johnny? It’s me, Kate, your Facebook friend.)
Basketball was invented here in Massachusetts in the late 19th century by Dr. James Naismith. The first basketball game used peach baskets for hoops. I learned this during a fourth-grade field trip to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Later that year, I got hit in the face with a basketball at recess and I’ve been emotionally scarred ever since.
Compared to other college basketball teams, BC is not very good. Compared to me in any sort of athletic regard, they are excellent, therefore they still have my respect.
From my observations, I have gathered that basketball players are the best at looking serious while walking out onto the court with hip-hop music playing in the background. Started from the bottom, now they’re here? Where is the bottom? Judging from their serious looks, I’m going to assume it’s someplace very scary. But now they’re here, and they get an A for effort.
Basketball players are also very tall, and therefore would be good to keep around so they can help with household tasks like reaching high cabinets and changing light bulbs. So, BC basketball players, if the whole basketball player career thing doesn’t work out, rest assured that you could have a great career as a professional smoke detector battery changer and live-in best friend. Call me maybe.