Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on any of the topics covered below, because Edmond’s, unfortunately, is still standing.
The Boston College community was quite surprised to wake up this morning and find that the entirety of Edmond’s had sunk completely below the surface of the Earth. The shock arose not from the sinking itself—a recent and rather unpleasant string of 4AM fire alarms had already alerted the maintenance staff to the fact that the building was slowly but surely approaching the fiery inner core of the earth—but the speed with which it had happened.
“Clearly, Providence Himself decided to take up the cause of campus beautification,” Father Leahy declared joyfully at the Mass of Thanksgiving that followed the miracle.
The sinking has led to a great deal of theological speculation around campus.
“This is, in fact, the first occasion on which God has used the sinkhole technique to express His displeasure with humanity,” declared another Jesuit. “We’ve seen fire and brimstone, we’ve seen floods, we’ve seen transformations into pillars of salt, but this is a new one. And we, the Boston College community, are proud to be the test site.”
But not everyone was content with the situation.
“I would have preferred a large pillar of salt,” lamented a dining hall employee. “The shakers have been running low as of late, and what are we going to do with a giant hole, anyway?”
“Why Edmonds?” complained a student. “You’d think Walsh would have ranked higher on God’s list of priorities for divine destruction.”
The administration, too, questioned the Almighty’s choice. They expressed great thankfulness at the disappearance of Edmond’s but also made clear their displeasure and confusion that God had passed over the Mods.
“Perhaps He missed?” one faculty member suggested. “I mean, really. Edmonds was already on the way down! Meanwhile, we’ve been working on destroying the Mods for a few decades at this point, and a gaping sinkhole would have helped our cause tremendously.”
An environmental science professor further supported this proposition by pointing that climate change, in its rejection of mankind’s overproduction, would have surely sent some sort of natural disaster sooner or later to take care of the Edmond’s problem.
“Sure, smog and deforestation are not good for the earth. But…heavens! Have you seen that building? Wrath of God or not, the ground would have risen up to swallow it in a few years’ time anyway. We can only hope that no further environmental problems spring from the fact that it’s now buried in the ground.”
Father Leahy could not have agreed more, stating at the end of his homily, “…and when that trumpet sounds on the last day, calling all the dead buried in the ground to rise from their sleep, we can only hope that they’ll hear the signal clearly over the sound of the Edmond’s fire alarm.”