A Definitive Ranking of “Love Actually” Characters

by • December 7, 2014 • Arts & Culture, Featured, Society & People, SpotlightComments (0)3652

This year, The Rock at Boston College is doing the season of joy in a big way by generating new content every day in our second annual “25 Days of Christmas”. The Rock is proud to present this installment in our holiday special.

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Since its release in 2003, the British romantic comedy Love Actually has remained a beloved part of the holiday canon. But with its huge ensemble cast, it can be hard to keep all those darn characters straight! We here at the Rock (represented by staffers Edward Byrne, Saidhbhe Berry, Danielle Dybbro and Kate Lewis) have made everyone’s perennial Love Actually viewing a little easier with our definitive ranking of its many characters.

#23: Mia (Heike Makatsch)

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Eddie: Scum of the scum. Ungrateful as hell, too. She didn’t even thank Alan Rickman for the necklace.
Danielle: Yeah, if you’re going to be a home wrecker, you should appreciate the fancy gifts someone’s good-for-nothing-husband buys you.
Kate: I hope this b*tch rots in hell for wrecking Emma Thompson’s happy home. She’ll fit right in with those tacky horns.
Saidhbhe: While I agree, I totally hated her, don’t forget that Alan was the one that did the cheating.
Kate: Did he actually cheat though? All we know is that this ho-bag tossed out some in-your-face sexy talk and then he bought her an ugly necklace with excessive gift wrap.
Eddie: Absolutely awful.

#22: Harry (Alan Rickman)

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Saidhbhe: Alan Rickman, you disappointed me with this movie. 
Eddie: No sympathy for anyone who even considers cheating on Emma Thompson, who is absolutely lovely.
Kate: Professor Snape with a wandering eye and a stylish haircut. Nope, nope, nope. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.
Danielle: “Always”?? Yeah, nope. You done messed up, Snape.

#21: The President (Billy Bob Thornton)

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Danielle: See, if this was someone not gross like Billy Bob….yeah no, I still wouldn’t like that.
Kate: Bad. Bad, bad, bad. I think this character exists to keep all the American viewers in line.
Saidhbhe: Except this was deff made as an American movie, wasn’t it? So then is he satire? Who knows…
Kate: Definitely British. The director is a knight.
Eddie: Also pretty scummy. Didn’t David just finish asking him how the First Lady is, and then we see him macking on poor Natalie’s neck? Adios Mr. President. Not a fan.

#20: The American Girls (Ivana Miličević, January Jones, Elisha Cuthbert, Shannon Elizabeth)

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Kate: “BOTTULLL. STROOOAWW. TAY-BULL.” 
Saidhbhe: They made my skin crawl. Eugh.
Eddie: There are no girls like this in real life. Bad representation of American girls, especially the Midwestern ones.
Danielle: Absolutely horrid. Get out of my life.

#19: Karl (Rodrigo Santoro)

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Eddie: Wish this bitch would have some empathy for maybe three seconds instead of focusing on getting laid.
Kate: His sexy, vaguely-exotic smolder makes up for the fact that he’s kind of a dick.
Saidhbhe: Yeah, but that smolder was just very at odds with the way he dressed and the very geeky glasses and whatnot.
Danielle: He seemed so nice! Aaaaand then he ruined it.

#18: Juliet (Keira Knightley)

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Saidhbhe: She was basically irrelevant, but was really sweet at the end, so I’ll give her props for that. 
Danielle: Agreed. Boring and clueless, but in the end took Mark’s declaration of undying love rather well.
Eddie: She handled the whole, er, situation with Mark rather well. Not really sure why she always thought Mark hated her – needs to chill, maybe talk to him for once.
Kate: “I look quite pretty” is in contention for the dumbest line in the movie.

#17: Mark (Andrew Lincoln)

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Kate: Cringe.
Saidhbhe: Rick, you really just have no luck with women, do you? Your best friend always gets the girl. 
Eddie: I kind of thought he was sweet, just a little misunderstood. He never could express how he loved this girl because she’s his best bud’s wife. Giving him the benefit of the doubt here. 
Danielle: I agree, except I was kind of annoyed that his attempt to deal with his feelings for most of the movie was to just completely ignore her. Rude.
Kate: Can I just ask what he was planning on doing with those wedding tapes…?

#16: Colin (Kris Marshall)

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Eddie: Very offended by his presence. 
Kate: God of sex. Except absolutely not.
Saidhbhe: His idea of American girls is comparable to American girls’ idea of British boys… but last time I checked, there are no cute British boys waiting for me when I go to the UK ):
Danielle: Very scuzzy. “Nice guys finish last” kind of guy. Also not really that attractive, physically or personality-wise.

#15: Judy (Joanna Page)

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Danielle: Is this the porn girl? Eh. She’s okay I guess.
Saidhbhe: She was also very awkward. But not as bad as Martin [Freeman], so I’ll give her credit for that. 
Eddie: She was way more awkward than Martin. Sorry, but this girl made me terribly unsatisfied. While I could’ve done without Martin, I’d still take him over her if I had to make a choice.
Kate: “All I want for Christmas is you!” I vom.

#14: John (Martin Freeman)

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Kate: Otherwise known as the time Bilbo Baggins was a porno stand-in. 
Saidhbhe: So awkward. So very awkward. It made me cringe. 
Eddie: Could’ve done without him in the movie. 
Danielle: He only gets a 3 because I really like him in Sherlock. Otherwise…he’s ok.

#13: Joe (Gregor Fisher)

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Eddie: Relatively unimpressed with this guy. Not much else to say here. 
Danielle: Mehhh. I feel like he was really gross and sweaty. 
Kate: I had to Google Gregor Fisher. But hey, he’s from Glasgow, so he get points in my book.
Saidhbhe: So did I. But now I’m thinking, maybe it was HIS line that made me laugh, not Bill Nighy’s… ah well, they were both pretty good.

#12: Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor)

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Eddie: I could only think of 12 Years a Slave whenever he was on the screen which made me sad, so I’m not a fan.
Kate: What does he actually do in this movie? Serious question. What did you contribute, Peter? 
Saidhbhe: I have no memory of this man even being in the film.
Kate: He was Keira Knightley’s husband. Very handsome, but very boring. 
Danielle: He seemed really sweet! Unfortunate that we don’t really know anything about him, except that he had no idea that his best friend was obsessed with his wife….yikes. 
Saidhbhe: I literally do not remember him at all.

#11: David the Prime Minister (Hugh Grant)

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Saidhbhe: “Yes, this person is too attractive and nice, I should probably fire her…” uhh, what?
Eddie: Grand romantic gesture on Christmas Eve would seal the deal for me. David rocks.
Kate: I was once friends with benefits with a guy who resembled Hugh Grant. Love ya, Hugh, and your disheveled yet sophisticated look. 5 points.
Danielle: Yeah, I never thought Hugh Grant was all that attractive. I hate his excessive blinking and “uhhh ummm uhhh” stuttering he always does.

#10: Billy Mack (Bill Nighy)

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Danielle: Yes! He was just okay but he definitely redeemed himself by the end. Good for you, Billy.
Eddie: Dude makes my skin crawl, plain and simple.
Kate: I find him refreshing. A bit of coarse humor amid all the lovey-dovey crap. “Let’s get pissed and watch porn.”
Saidhbhe: One of his lines at the end of the movie (sadly, I can’t remember it for the life of me) made me laugh a LOT, so good for him.

#9: Joanna (Olivia Olson)

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Kate: She’s cute, but I think little Sam can do way better. Although those sparkly braids and the middle part–soooo early-2000s chic.
Danielle: She’s a babe. So adorable.
Saidhbhe: I wish I could sing like that. I’m like ten years older than this chick and she’s cooler than me. 
Eddie: She knows what she wants, and she goes and gets it. Mad props to her.

#8: Jamie (Colin Firth)

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Kate: Can’t help but feel bad for him. His first girlfriend boinks his brother and his second one can’t speak English.
Saidhbhe: Yeah, I felt bad for him at the beginning, but really? Proposing to a woman you have never actually spoken to? That’s just dumb. 
Kate: Also, legit question: why is this guy using a typewriter in the goddamn 21st century? F***ing hipsters.
Eddie: How could anyone hate Uncle Jamie?! Major props for fixing the mistake of leaving Aurelia behind by learning her language in like two weeks, and then flying to Portugal on Christmas to propose. Grand romantic gesture blows the PM’s out of the water. 
Danielle: Exactly. He really makes a swoon-worthy proposal at the end. He tries so hard to speak Portuguese. So sweet.

#7: Natalie (Martine McCutcheon)

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Eddie: Can’t decide if I want to be Natalie because the PM came to her house on Christmas after knocking on dozens of doors looking for her or because she ends up dating one of the most powerful men in the world. I’d probably choose the latter actually.
Kate: Poor girl. Everyone keeps calling her fat and she keeps cussing in front of the PM.
Saidhbhe: What Kate said. Also, she could do better, the PM was a bit sleazy.
Danielle: I feel for her, everyone is calling her fat and that’s kind of weird because she’s not fat at all……she only gets a 4, though, because Hugh Grant? Really? Oh well, to each their own.

#6: Aurélia (Lúcia Moniz)

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Saidhbhe: Continuation of the above comment [#8: Jamie] … AND THIS CHICK SAID YES?? Really??
Eddie: “Just in cases.” Really sweet, pretty face, the second half of my favorite story line in the movie.
Danielle: Aurelia is amazing. What a woman.
Kate: She brings the sass via subtitles.

#5: Sam (Thomas Sangster)

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Eddie: He’s okay, didn’t blow me away by any means. He handled his mother’s death really well.
Kate: Cute and inoffensive, and also plays drums. The guy who plays him grew up to be Jojen Reed on Game of Thrones, but Sam was definitely a hot British punk in his teen years.
Saidhbhe: Adorable. Completely and utterly adorable. I’m not sure if I’m ranking him because of the GoT role too, but I’m gonna go with it.
Danielle: YASSS GoT!! Also yes, he’s the cutest little boy with the cutest crush. Also, his mom died, so that makes me sad. LET ME LOVE YOUUU.

#4: Rufus (Rowan Atkinson)

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Kate: The best, no contest. 
Danielle: Um. Heck yes. Mr. Bean was my JAM growing up. He kills me.
Saidhbhe: MR. BEAN I LOVE YOU.
Eddie: Unpopularest of unpopular opinions, but I loathe Mr. Bean. I know he isn’t even in this movie, but I think I can’t stand him even more after watching the gift wrapping scene.
Kate: How dare, Ed. How. Dare.

#3: Sarah (Laura Linney)

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Eddie: Yay America! I feel for her. I wish I could go help her brother so she could be with Karl.
Kate: Every year I find myself identifying more and more with Sarah and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. My heart breaks for her every time.
Saidhbhe: I guess my heart breaks for her a little too… but also, clearly your brother has important questions about the Pope and whatnot every ten minutes, you can ignore a couple calls and spend time with the guy you claim to be in love with. Live a little, girl.
Danielle: I always felt annoyed at the beginning with her since she was so introverted and passive. But once you find out why, my heart just hurts for her so much. I feel for her.

#2: Karen (Emma Thompson)

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Saidhbhe: Emma was the only character in this film that never made me question her sanity. I also just want to give her a hug.
Eddie: I love Emma. She plays the perfect “good wife” in this movie, sticking up for her family and herself, while still remembering all the good she and her shit husband created together – a happy household with happy kids. She’ll do anything to protect that. 
Danielle: Love love LOVE her. Best mother.
Kate: I love her primarily because she looks just like my mom, but she’s the best, no question. That scene where she cries to “Both Sides, Now” gets me every damn time.

#1: Daniel (Liam Neeson)

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Saidhbhe: He did really well in the role. But rom coms are not what I would have expected of Liam Neeson. Let’s refer back to the Alan Rickman comment–I am disappointed.
Kate: A rare, pre-Taken Neeson showing off his sensitive side. Luh it.
Eddie: I love that he’s Sam’s stepfather, but he’s more of a father than anyone else in this movies. 10/10.
Danielle: I agree 100% so I gave him a 10. He has the sweetest relationship with his stepson, and I cry big fat ugly tears at his wife’s funeral. I just die.

What do y’all think? Did your fave Love Actually storyline get snubbed, or did we give too much love to an unworthy character? Discuss in the comments section.

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