Ah, the holidays – a time of gifts, food, family and gifts and did I mention food? Ok, cool, cool. They’re also a time of solace, especially after having to deal with the horrors of college, like dining hall food, great only because you didn’t actually have to cook it yourself – but by the time you hide the bodies of the six soccer players you had to kill off for a high table, you begin to question if it’s really worth it. To be frank, you’re over it.
Not to mention the countless other annoyances, like I don’t know, walking outside and not ever being able to feel your face, never mind the fact that you even have to go outside and have responsibilities. Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that wearing sunglasses to avoid eye contact with strangers (slash everyone you know), is totally frowned upon because it won’t be sunny until April. The list goes on…and that’s what makes getting away from here for a couple of weeks the absolute best thing that could have possibly happened, besides Fireball hot apple cider at your roommate’s tailgate.
Anyways, once we finally do get home for the holidays, we usually find that some things definitely aren’t the same. Maybe your parents will decide they don’t love you anymore and could really use your walk-in closet as a bar to drink away the disappoint that is you – ugh, those inconsiderate people. Or maybe they’ll decide to go all helicopter parent on you because you’ll always be their baby, not the sh*t human who that freshman, who won’t stop texting you, knows you to be – ugh, tragic. Or even worse than that, they’ll swear that they’ll have your head, or a heart attack, if you’re not home by like 1am – ugh, damn them!
But, hands down, the absolute worst possible scenario is going home and having to deal with that one sibling, or hell, all of your siblings, who have decided that they want to outshine YOU…y-o-u…during the holidays – and quite frankly, Jesus did not die on the cross for that. No ma’am. No way. So here’s how to keep them in check – because you did not put up with the disloyalty of Laundry View, or the clusterf*** that is the Gold Pass app, and several other injustices to go home and have to deal with someone trying to piss you off once again.
Anytime they start talking about how good their grades are and attempt to ask about yours in front of people, start talking about how depressed you are that the equations you were planning on using to stop the accelerated expansion of the universe will never get published because your professor’s cat died. Your sibling’s jaw will drop at how ridiculous you are and damn straight, they lead you down this road. Keep going on about how much this offset your terrestrial and emotional stability. Thank the audience you’ve amassed for always believing in you although your dreams have been crushed. Their sympathy will come. Just wait on it.
When they get better presents than you, don’t show your discontent – just make them hate you. If Grandma is nearby, pull your sibling into enough pictures to make them want to bludgeon you to death, not vice versa. Keep telling your mom how lovely your gift is, until after dinner when she’s had a few drinks, then tell her that as thoughtful as it was, you don’t think you’ll have much use for whatever you got. Returns will be made and happiness restored.
When people start congratulating them on something cool that they did, agree with a smile… and then swiftly throw them under the bus. Do it playfully, so no one will be able to entertain the idea that you’re some malicious brat, but don’t back down. All embarrassing moments are fair game, especially if their blunder occurred during holiday’s past. Play smart, but without gloves.
Do these things and your sibling(s) will find stop trying to ruin your life. Maybe they’ll even wave a white flag and agree to stay in their lane – huh, wouldn’t that be nice. Perhaps you’ll form an alliance, or sh*t, maybe even a friendship! The world is your oyster young starlet, don’t allow your sibling(s) to steal your shine.