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Unreasonably Nice Weather Endangers BC Community

A meteorologist in Boston was recently fired on account of an erroneous and absurd forecast of three straight days without snow. A spokesman for the weather station gave the following commentary regarding his colleague’s dismissal:

“He made a claim that was utterly unsubstantiated by history, common sense, or wildly exaggerated Buzzfeed articles. His only–I repeat–Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 4.25.48 PMonly source of information was a careful observation of atmospheric patterns and data. A forecast as offensively reasonable and pleasant as the one he made can have highly injurious consequences to the general population.”

By “highly injurious consequences,” he seemed to be referencing the spike in alcohol poisoning incidents following the release of the forecast at Boston College, where students began taking shots the moment a non-snow day was announced.

“We normally avoid making inclement weather announcements until after the liquor stores have shut down, but, with a nice weather front advancing at such a threateningly rapid pace, we thought no students would dare step outside,” Father Leahy stated. He gave a long sigh. “But no weather conditions can stop the Irish.”

Other highly injurious consequences of the nice weather forecast included the sudden and unexpected ability to reopen of a number of previously snowed-in businesses in the city of Boston, most of whom had long since forgotten their standard opening procedures.

“How the hell do you operate this place?” asked the President of Boston University. “And why the hell did I even start operating it in the first place?”

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 4.25.28 PMFurthermore, a number of renowned scientists noted in response to the egregious forecast that sweltering temperatures predicted might begin to melt the forty-inch layer of snow covering New England, which could lead to minor flooding. This discovery led to high levels of panic among BC students.

“I can’t imagine anything more likely to set off the Iggy fire alarm than a flood,” said Ignacio RA Patrick Monaghan.

“The Mod Lot will flood!” exclaimed senior Seamus O’Brian.

BCPD confirmed that the flooding of the Mod Lot would be an unprecedented disaster in BC’s history.

“On the bright side, Edmonds will probably float away,” senior Erin Mulligan remarked, optimistically. “Hopefully, some university somewhere will want it.”

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