At 5:27 PM on Wednesday afternoon, a driver on the Mass Pike slowed his car ever-so-slightly in order to let another driver into his lane. Massachusetts state trooper Michael McCarthy immediately pulled the driver over to ticket him for the offense.
Hours later, Officer McCarthy was still processing the incident.
“I’ve been on the force for twenty-five years now, and I’ve seen a lot of crazy things, but this is a first. At first I thought that he might have come from somewhere else, perhaps one of those Southern states. I couldn’t believe it when I saw his Massachusetts license.”
The driver, who will remain unnamed for the sake of his family’s safety, was quoted as saying, “I grew up here. I’m just as much a Masshole as the next guy. But I moved to Hollywood for a few years, and I lost sight of my roots. It could happen to anyone, but I accept full blame for my actions.
“Please, for the sake of your children, always drive aggressively.”
On Wednesday night, crowds gathered outside the police station to protest the atrocity committed earlier that evening. Soon enough, they began shouting expletives to show their solidarity with Massachusetts drivers everywhere.
“We invented road rage here in Massachusetts, and no matter how much the values of outside world corrupt our culture, nothing will take that away,” stated Massachusetts native Frank Giannini.
After an hour or so, the rioters ran out of relevant expletives and simply switched to shouting words such as “rotaries” and “rum” (colloquialism for “room”) and “Wuhstah” (colloquialism for some town whose name nobody actually knows how to spell) in order to express their state pride.
“This behavior on the roads is simply unheard of,” commented Governor Charlie Baker during a press conference regarding the incident. “This is not the Massachusetts I know.”
The Massachusetts DOT sent out a notice stating the dangers of expressing unexpected politeness on the Mass Pike, ending with a final sentence of warning: “In order to avoid catching other drivers off guard, do not show your humanity during rush hour.”
The perpetrator awaits judgment by the district court.