Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on any of the topics covered below, because clearly we do not all eat carrion (though I can’t speak for everyone that has survived Walsh this year, who knows what they had to resort to).
“It’s a great day to be an eagle!” In my life, I’ve heard this phrase more times than I can count. With my high school mascot being the Eagles, I’ve had headmasters, teachers, and friends remark this, almost like a secret code. It was a message of pride and camaraderie. This simple yet elegant slogan first tickled my earholes freshman year, and has been ingrained into my heart ever since.
Coming to Boston College this year, this feeling has only been enhanced. A lot of people on campus proudly boast they they are in fact, eagles. But are they? They can talk the talk, but how about we see if they can really walk the walk. Here are five things that only the truest of true eagles will understand.
- Having to maintain a steady diet of reptiles, small mammals, fish, small birds and even sometimes carrion
What? You thought it was easy to maintain such a powerful, birdly figure? Well, think again. You don’t become the most majestic bird in the game by eating steak and cheeses from Mac three times a week. All eagles know that if they wanna stay on top, they gotta buckle down, hold their beaks, and choke down some carrion every once in awhile.
- Watching your eldest chick kill off its younger, weaker brother
Mother Nature is a cruel, heartless b*tch and nobody knows it better than eagles. They lay two eggs at a time, and once they hatch, the two chicks get up and literally fight each other to the death. Not even kidding. And the mother eagle just sits there and watches! It’s crazy stuff but I guess if you want to maintain a breed of birds with superhuman strength you have to cut off the weakest link.
- Performing death defying aerial routines to attract a mate
This one’s more for the male eagles out there but ladies can appreciate it too. To attract a mate at BC, kids literally have to be assigned to do it as homework. Eagles would kill to have it this easy. Imagine having to plan an entire mind blowing aerial spectacle risking your life just to maybe get coffee with some chick (pun intended). I’m talking death defying swoops, freefall nose dives, and even fighting with other eagles. Truly unbelievable stuff.
- Having people admire you for your bald head
This has gotta be one of the best perks about eagle life. Just being able to go outside, no hat or anything, and just watch people oogle and ogle at your magnificent bald head. No Rogaine, no hair plugs, eagles never have to worry about any of that stuff. It’s just their look and they kill it. There’s a select group of people in the world that can pull off the cueball look, but nobody does it better than the eagle.
- Being the symbol of freedom for the greatest country in the world
What’s the greatest possible honor you can think of? Nobel Peace Prize? King of the world? Your own holiday? How about being named the nationwide sign of freedom, the very thing that defines America and all of its glory. Every time an eagle regally soars through the sky, it can look down at all the beautiful mountains, rivers, and valleys and know that’s its all his. Wouldn’t that be a cool feeling to have. God bless America, indeed.
So those are a handful of things that define what it truly means to be an eagle. This list is certainly not exhaustive and for more eagle things in your life, feel free to check out Google, the Discovery Channel, or even your local library! And always remember, it’s a great day to be an eagle.