Featured, Society & People

Rock Exclusive: Maine to Secede From Union

Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on any of the topics covered below, because Maine needs us way more than we need Maine.

j0189599[1]Breaking News! It seems that late last night, the government of the state of Maine has made the sudden decision to secede from the United States of America and align itself as a Canadian province. Widespread reactions of confusion and shock have hit the nation. Those who live in the Northeast and lovingly refer to their northern I-95 neighbors as “Maine-iacs” were stunned by the news. However, to the rest of the country this was more on the confusing side. By confusing I mean their response of “Maine was a state?”

Yes folks, Maine was in fact a state. We have now lost them beyond the wall, as they have fallen into the clutches of America’s hat. President Obama has ordered all the snow from Boston’s never-ending winter be gathered and packed together along the New Hampshire/Maine border to form a mile high barrier. This order is to ensure that the former Maine-iacs (now referred to as Wildlings) out of the great U-S-of-A.

swimming-moose1Maine’s governor Paul LePage released a press statement shortly after the late-night decision, stating: “a majority of Americans didn’t even know Maine was a state. So we felt it necessary to go where we best belonged and were most welcomed; Canada is that place. I’m sure the States will miss our innumerable additions to the production potential of this country. Nevertheless, I’m afraid we’ll be taking our lobster and snow-shoveling talents to the north.”

The secession of Maine from the United States doesn’t really make much of an impact seeing as how it didn’t really do anything anyways. It will only decrease the total population of the United States by about 1.3 million. However, it will decrease the total moose population of the country by roughly 105%, or 3.9 million.

It will now cost extra to send letters to Maine due to international mailing costs. I would say for you to call them however Maine has yet to hear about electricity, let alone telephones, so hand-written letters to your Wildlings lover it is (I’m talking directly to you with this one, Jon Snow). Furthermore this means everyone who defines themselves as “preppy” will now have to pay extra for the shipping on their pair of Bean Boots. Meaning if you don’t already have some, you’re S.O.L.

We will have more on this story as it develops, but as of now Maine is finally the Canadian province it should have been in the first place.

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