Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on any of the topics covered below, because much to all of our chagrin, none of these ridiculous individuals will be at Boston College on Commencement Day.
It is with great excitement that all of us here at The Rock are the first to announce the shortlist of speakers for the 2015 Commencement Ceremony on May 18, 2015. The list features an eclectic group of businessmen, performers, and persons who have a special connection to Boston College.
With all of this vocational diversity, since nothing at BC is ethnically diverse, we’re still uncertain of who might be giving the speech at graduation. Fr. Bill Leahy could pull a fast one on us and bring back the hip and cool author Dave Eggers or Doug Flutie, but for now, the list with which we’ve been provided will have to be the basis of our predictions.
Patrick Stokes. Stokes is the former Chairman and CEO of Anheuser-Busch, according to his Wikipedia page. He also graduated from BC in 1964 and later donated a whopping $22 million to the construction of Stokes Hall (I wonder where they got the name). A pretty building and booze, need we say more? The class of 2015 would warmly welcome Mr. Stokes with open arms and empty coozies on May 18th.
Professor Kerry Cronin. She’s pretty much here to reiterate that the BC Hookup Culture, which has “BC” in front of it because it’s one of those things that is totally unique to BC (see BC Lookaway), ends after senior year, unless you’re going to be a noncommittal prick until you’re 33 and washed up.
The Weeknd. Hey look who decided he actually wants to make a trip to Chestnut Hill! The Heights can’t possibly screw this one up a second time, right? Right, because we just did by publicizing this without The Weeknd’s consent. Sorry about that, guys!
Ian and Shep Murray. The founders of Vineyard Vines! How cool is that? Without these guys, the entire student body would go about their days completely naked. We couldn’t have that happening at a Jesuit institution. Hell, we can’t even give the kids condoms. These guys are the embodiment of what every CSOM bro wants to be: entrepreneurs that sit around on their boats tossing back rum and cokes. Fashionable and inspirational.
Lou Holtz. Awethome choithe! Lou Holtzth, notable ESPN analyst and former head football coach at Notre Lame, decided to cross over from the Dark Side in South Bend, Indiana into the wonderland that is Boston College. Listen closely at the ceremony, seniors. The lisp makes his words incredibly difficult to distinguish, but he’s full of withdom and inthight!
Zayn Malik. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Fresh off his One Direction departure, Malik hopes to be a “normal 22-year-old” and give a commencement address to a bunch of other 22-year-olds. You’re skeptical? Sorry, I can’t hear becAUSE I’M SO EFFING EXCITED OMG!!!!!!
Amy Poehler. “She went to BC! She loves us!” In your dreams.
Dame Helen Mirren. She’s not Meryl Streep, we know. However, she’s British! And she won an Oscar! She’s elegant and fun! Why the hell is she on the shortlist? Who knows?!
St. Ignatius. He’s dead? Damn it. How are we supposed to prove ourselves to be a far-superior Jesuit university than Georgetown now? Back to the drawing board…
There’s your shortlist, Eags. If you’re a little disappointed in the selections, tough shit. I suggest you take up your grievances with Fr. Leahy. Unfortunately, he probably won’t listen to you or really give a damn. The final selection for a commencement speaker and subsequent announcement will be made in the coming weeks, and it’s likely the speaker will be none of these people aforementioned. Stay tuned!