Tonight, viewers around the world will be transported to a fantastic realm as Game of Thrones’s fifth season premieres. Quite like Westeros, BC is a mythical realm full of intrigue, deceit, and unrealistically attractive people with really nice butts. Before the big show tonight, I sat down with Jenny “Mother of Dragons”/”Li’l J” Lewis–the Arya to my Sansa–to envision what it would be like if the Heights and the Seven Kingdoms became one.
The Mods = King’s Landing. The center of all life on campus, this is the spot where everyone wants to be—but don’t think living in the lap of luxury doesn’t come with a price. The yearly turnover of Mod residents is much akin to the ever-changing seat on the Iron Throne, where everyone wishes to be. On weekend mornings, digging yourself out from the detritus of last night’s rager, you might find yourself feeling like a denizen of the disgusting Flea Bottom.
Vouté & Gabelli = Highgarden. The most beautiful, peaceful land on campus, Highgarden is free from the shadiness of King’s Landing, but not without ambition—those honors students in Gabelli are surely as cunning as the wily Tyrells. You know Margaery would have lived in a townhouse, the only BC accommodation suited for the queen.
Ignacio & Rubenstein = Riverrun. The Tullys may not be quite as powerful as the residents of King’s Landing, but they still have sway like those fortunate enough to score a six-person apartment in Hillsides. Much like the crossing of the Red Fork, Iggy and Ruby find themselves in a prime central location in the senior area, a great place to live free from the tumultuous hubbub of the Mods.
Walsh Hall = The Eyrie. An impenetrable fortress where crazy-ass f**king sh*t goes down. Taking a handle of raspberry Rubi to the face is almost as painful the next morning as taking a tumble down the moon door. And getting in at 10:00 PM on a Saturday night is as daunting as passing through the Bloody Gate. #DemilitarizeWalsh
Vanderslice & 90 St. Thomas More = Storm’s End. Full of beautiful people and desirable dorms (sorry Walsh, we have A/C), the seat of House Baratheon is the perfect match for these twin buildings on Lower. Though poor Renly’s shot at the Throne was cut short, he still knew how to have a good time, and those Vandy/90 residents are as loyal to the party lifestyle as Brienne of Tarth is to her king.
Edmond’s Hall = Harrenhal. This immense building was once a mighty kingdom (back in the eighties), but then the dragons came. Poor lighting and unpredictable HVAC make this dark, vast hall an entirely undesirable residence. We’ll be glad to see it fall into ruin when it goes off-line after the 2015-16 year.
Maloney Hall / O’Neill Library = The Twins. Everyone who wishes to cross must pass through this gateway to the shining Middle Campus (unless they’re one of those savages who walk up the Million Dollar Stairs every day. Seriously?!). Watch out for the Freys, though—trying to get a table in Hillside or a spot in the elevator can sometimes result in carnage that rivals the gory Red Wedding.
Stokes Hall = Casterly Rock. At this shining edifice founded on Lannister gold (just look at the talking elevators), only those who are lucky can relax at the Chocolate Bar to spend both hours and Eagle Bucks. Across the campus green, Fulton Hall = Lannisport. Much like the affluent graduates of the Carroll School, the Lannisters have a stronghold on the finances of the Seven Kingdoms, running the Iron Bank like CSOM runs the major corporate firms. And of course, a Lannister always pays his debts.
Carney Hall = Dreadfort. Who dares enter this damned place will experience terrors unknown, or at least the offices of UGBC, the Wardens of the North who maintain a notorious stronghold over this faction of campus. The creepy basement is the perfect lair for the torturous Ramsay Bolton to get his freak on. As far as we know, Theon Greyjoy is suffering in the bowels of Carney—but no one dares to venture down to find him.
Brighton Campus = Dorne. The mysterious Brighton campus often seems world apart from the greater BC land, much like the dominions of Dorne. Picture Oberyn Martell and Ellaria Sand getting their groove on with the skilled performers at the Dance Studio. We’re hoping to learn more about the smooth, sensuous people of Dorne as Season 5 kicks off.
Off-campus = Essos. Across the Narrow Sea lies a continent full of savagery and corruption, where the daring Daenerys (the ultimate freshman girl—beautiful, commanding and in way over her head) wishes to conquer among the savage Dothraki (the junior guys who run the off-campus party scene). Therefore, the major streets of Foster, Kirkwood and Gerald = The Free Cities, and Cleveland Circle = Qarth, where you can find everything you need (except maybe dragon eggs).
College Road = Winterfell. The cold, icy kingdom in the North, much like the Starks, you can’t help but love the ill-fated residents of CoRo. Their goodwill and likability prove the adage “it’s not where you live, it’s who you live with.” It’s true that life here is not always easy, but keep your wits about you and you won’t lose your head.
Upper Campus = The Wall. The last vestiges of civilization before the great unknown. Naturally in this equation, O’Connell House = Castle Black, a sacred fortress heaped in tradition. Like the devoted Night’s Watch, the residents of Upper are sworn to their duty (to walk back up the stairs after a long night out), and will stay committed until their watch has ended (and they move to Lower or CoRo for sophomore year).
Newton Campus = Mance Rayder’s wildling camp. The rejects of the Seven Kingdoms have formed their own society. They’re very happy and don’t need help from the damn Crows, thank you very much. But they’re not entirely separated from BC life—every so often, a freshman girl as brash as the fiery Ygritte will dare to commingle with a brooding boy from the Wall, even though such matches may be ill-fated by the Newton bus gods who send her home before 2 AM.
Catch Game of Thrones tonight at 9:00 PM on HBO! Special thanks to the girls of Vandy 616 for the article idea.