The (Odwalla) Virgin Diaries

by • February 21, 2016 • Featured, Food, Life @ BCComments (0)520

Carol and Emma. Two girls, one dream, ten Odwallas. Hold on tight, fam…it’s going to be a wild ride.

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Caroline:

These things are expensive as hell. I wasted approximately half of my meal plan freshman year because I would drink them like they cost about half of what they actually did. This extravagant budget drove me to near starvation by the end of the semester, and I was forced to survive on next to nothing (by next to nothing I mean value meals for breakfast and lunch with takeout for dinner) Also, everyone thinks that Odwallas are healthy and the equivalent of eating a fruit salad or something, but I totally changed my mind about that when I realized each drink packs about 25 grams of sugar per serving.

But, Emma and I are notorious for doing really stupid things and trying to make them seem productive, and this adventure was no exception. Apparently, she had never tried an Odwalla before and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Since I consider myself an Odwalla connoisseur and was actively trying to not study for my upcoming neuroscience midterms, I enthusiastically agreed to contribute to the project.

 

Emma:

I’m an Odwalla virgin.  I took one look at the green smoothie and walked the other way, perfectly fine with my five-orange-juice-a-day regiment.  But I always wondered what the appeal was.  What if I’m missing some godly nectar and ambrosia because I thought I was above it all?  So I texted Carol and told her I was going to do this and it was going to be really gross and that she had to do it with me.  I shelled out an entire years tuition and bought TEN Odwallas (okay, they were $53.99) and Caroline Lewis, our bartender Jen Wisnewski, and I prepared ourselves for ten dixie cups filled with questionable liquids.

 

Strawberry Protein – 3/10

Emma: “Eughh.  I dont like this.”

Caroline: “Consistency: 0/10, it’s really liquid-y.  It tastes really chalky.”

Jen: “It tastes like the Nestle Strawberry Milk powder.”

Caroline: “I can’t even finish this.  It tastes like the stuff I had to take when I had strep throat.”

 

Mo’ Beta – 8.5/10


IMG_8175Caroline:
“So this is the one I get when I feel like I’m getting a cold. I feel better after I drink it.”

Jen: “Its called Mo’ Beta because theres Beta Carotene.”

Emma: “That one is actually pretty good! I like that one.”

Jen: “Caroline took that shot like a champ!”

Caroline: “Club going up on a Tuesday.”

Emma: “I like it… I’m ignoring the fact that it has carrots in it…”

Jen: “It doesn’t taste like carrots at all, though, it tastes like orange juice.”

Caroline: “I like that one.  The only thing is that it reminds me of being sick.”

Emma: “Yeah, but thats your own fault.”

 

Chocolate Protein – 5/10

Caroline: “This one has no smell.  I’m trying to smell it—it doesn’t have a smell.”

Emma: “I’m scared of that…  No, it definitely has a tiny chocolate smell if you get your nose WAY in there.”

Caroline: “…oh my god.  That tastes terrible.”

Jen: “It tastes like water chocolate.”

Caroline: “How do people drink this for fun?? It tastes disgusting!”

Jen: “I think I like it better than the strawberry one.”

Emma: “If you drink it in bigger sips it doesn’t taste as bad, I kind of like it.”

 

Blueberry B – 6.5/10

IMG_2718-1Caroline: “I hope this is gonna Blueberry B good!”

Emma: “…”

Jen: “…”

Emma: “I hate you.”

Jen: “Drink when Carol makes you feel uncomfortable…”

Caroline: “Oh wow, thats pungent. That is strong.”

Jen: “It has two and two fifths oranges.  I can definitely taste the oranges.”

Caroline: “I can’t taste the blueberries.”

Emma: “I can. It tastes like a blueberry muffin but if you baked the blueberries inside an orange.”

 

Orignial Superfood – 7/10


Emma:
“This is the first green thing I’ve ever drunk.”

Jen: “I feel like ‘Hey, Bartender’ should be playing in the background while I pour these.”

Caroline: “It smells like spinach and I hate spinach.”

Emma: “It was not terrible! That one was one of the better ones!”

Jen: “Yeah, it’s not bad. It has a weird aftertaste though.”

Caroline: “It makes me feel healthier.  Why is no one staring at us right now? Is no one suspicious of the fact that we have 10 Odwallas and a whole bunch of cups?”

 

Vanilla Protein – 3/10

IMG_2719-1-1Emma: “This is the one Carol’s been afraid of all day.”

Caroline: “Wait, it doesn’t smell that bad. It smells like a McDonald’s vanilla shake that I would dip my fries in.”

Jen: “Wait, you got shakes at McDonald’s? I always got them at Wendy’s.”

Caroline: “I would always go with my dad and ask for a shake extra thick and I don’t think they ever made it different. They’d be like ‘Ohhkay, here’s your normal f*cking shake.’”

Emma: “I almost just spit that one out. It tastes like baby powder!”

Caroline: “Disregarding the pangs of nausea, its not horrible.”

Jen: “I need a pretzel after this one.”

 

Mango Tango – 8/10

Caroline: “This one is what got my meal plan freshman year down to like $100 during like the fifth week of school.”

Jen: “That, and also your second breakfast, and second lunch, and second dinner…”

Caroline: “I had a double life, I have a lot of priorities.”

Emma: “I was not ready for that consistency, that was thick.”

Caroline: “I love this one.  It’s very mango-y.”

Jen: “That one is actually really good.  It says it has one whole mango in it.”

 

Berries Gomega – 6/10

Caroline: “These Berries Gomega me happyyyyyy…”

Jen: “I don’t think that was the purpose of the name.”

Emma: “This smell makes me uncomfortable already.”

Jen: “That one isn’t too bad…”

Emma: “Yeah I kinda like – no.“

Jen: “Oh, no. Weird aftertaste. No. Nope.”

Emma: “Its like they tried to sneak some leaves in there, but I caught you Odwalla.”

Jen: “Oh theres apples in it. It tastes like mealy apples.”

Caroline: “This makes me think of that song, Cough Syrup *she pronounced it ‘Surup’* by Young the Giant.”

Jen: “No, thats really not… what… Carol thats not how you say it…”

Caroline: “I think these are making me drunk… anything is possible if you try hard enough.”

 

Red Rhapsody – 8.5/10

Caroline: “Rhap rhap sody, b*tch.”

Emma:  “Oh no, this one smells like alcohol.”

Jen: “Yeah, it smells like Raspberry Rubi.”

Caroline: “See, now I swish the cups around like I’m a wine conseour.”

Jen: “Connoisseur! S.O.S. CAROL, its a Connoisseur!”

Caroline: “Oh this is really good.”

Emma: I like this.  I like raspberries so I like this.  Raspberries you have my praise!”

Jen: “There aren’t any raspberries in this.  It has beet juice in it!”

Emma: “I wouldn’t buy that one because I don’t want to, but if I had to buy one with a gun pointed at my head I would buy that one.”

 

Strawberry Banana – 9.25/10

k2-_07ab82ac-381c-4aa3-aeb7-f46738fb302e.v2Jen: “I’ve had this one before, it’s delicious.”

Emma: “It smells like carrots.”

Caroline: “Not everything smells like carrots!”

Jen: “Oh, 10/10, it wins.”

Emma: “If it had a little bit thicker consistency, I would be much happier, but as is, its pretty good.”

Caroline: “I’m giving it an 8.57.”

Emma: “What?”

Caroline: “I don’t feel like it’s a .5 but it’s not a .6”

Emma: “Okay, alright, I didn’t realize we were getting that specific.”

Caroline: “What can I say, I’m a math person.”

 

So, did anything change?

Caroline:

Well, that’s all we’ve got for today.  After sampling 10 different flavors of Odwalla, Emma and I were in low spirits. Emma took it really hard about a half hour later when she texted me from her Uber saying, “Carol, I can’t, I swear I’m gonna vom.” I actually still feel the exact same way about Odwallas as I did before. They aren’t horrible but they absolutely leave something to be desired.

If I wanted to induce vomiting, I would get the Chocolate Protein one or the Strawberry Protein. I hated them. It was terrible.  So that’s all.  Thanks for joining us on “Emma and Carol Do Really Stupid Sh*t, with Jen as our Bartender.”

 

Emma:

I’m not gonna buy these.  I had to though, I feel like if I would get either Red Rhapsody, Strawberry Banana, or maybe even the Original Superfood because it tastes a lot like orange juice.  And thats surprising because I really hate green things.  This has been another episode of “Trying Food That Normal People Have Already Tried.” See you next time!

Photo Five . All Other Photos Courtesy of Author

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