Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on anything to do with the upcoming presidential elections. Though, honestly, Mel Gibson as a president wouldn’t be all bad… he does know how to give a good speech!
Breaking News: Late Entries into the Presidential Race
Washington D.C. – Early this morning, multiple well-known figures jumped into the presidential race, launching their own campaigns. Curiously, they all cited Republican front-runner and outspoken billionaire, Donald Trump, as their inspiration. The general consensus among these new candidates was that although Trump may be one of the most hated people in America due to his myriad of sexist, racist, xenophobic, and often untrue comments, the support from his followers has been unwavering.
We sat down and talked to these newcomers, all of whom plan to run on an independent platform, about why they think that should be our new POTUS:
Best known for hosting popular reality cooking show, Hell’s Kitchen, Gordon is no stranger to insulting people down to the very core of their being. “I’m not actually from this ruddy country, so I’m not exactly sure how all this works, but it seems to me that all you need to be a presidential contender is own a bunch of businesses and call people idiots, so I think I’d be perfect!”
In 2016 we could see the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Hispanic president, and now, the first presidential band. Lead vocalist Chad Kroeger stated: “A lot of people hate us, and like Trump, we’ve given them a lot of reasons to. But no one can be all bad–Donald did have a solid cameo in Home Alone 2–and we KNOW you guys still belt “Photograph” when you’re alone in your car.” The band says that when in office, they would not look to change many political policies, but in terms of the music industry, they’ve promised to “Make Nickelback Great Again”.
“Alright… why is that when I had this one, tiny meltdown ten years ago where I may have said some not-so-great things about Jewish people, you guys tried to end my career, but this buffoon can publicly attack a new minority group each week and you guys want to put him in the Oval??? Maybe I should rethink my career path…” When questioned if he thinks he has what it takes to lead a nation he simply responded with: “Have you seen Braveheart?”
We tracked down Casey (who now goes by Macy) in a reclusive dwelling in the prairies of Wyoming. Anthony quipped, “Donald Trump once said: ‘I could shoot someone and not lose any votes.’ Similarly, I could kill someone and not be convicted by a jury! Running for president just feels like the right next step for me at this time.”
Trump was decidedly calm at the outbreak of this news. He stated, “Look at all these losers. They love me, as they should, because everyone loves me, but they will lose. Although Nickelback would make for an interesting running mate…”
Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment at press-time, but sources report that she was spotted doing a celebratory Macarena at her Brooklyn Headquarters.
This is a developing story.