Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on anything to do with McElroy Commons. Everyone knows they have the best late night, wouldn’t want to mess with that!
ATTN: McElroy Commons Dining Hall Decides to Close at 11:39 This Morning, Chalks Day Up as a Loss
MCELROY COMMONS – Upon realizing that today’s menu would feature the same bland dining options as the previous three days, McElroy managers decided to close the dining hall early.
“It’s the same breakfast, lunch, and pretty much the same dinner every day. We hear the students complain about the quality of the food, and with all of the better dining options on campus, there is pretty much just no point anymore. We’re just going to chalk the day up as a loss,” a visibly exhausted manager told this reporter.
“The eggs came out extra watery, the bacon was burned to a crisp, and all of the strawberries were bruised. After stumbling out of the gate like that, we figured it would just be better to pack up and try again tomorrow,” he continued.
The manager’s logic is perfectly reasonable. The lunch menu for the day consisted of the same fried rice, undercooked chicken sandwiches with cardboard buns, and burned steak tips as usual.
Perhaps somewhat surprisingly, the dinner menu was set to feature one of Mac’s more popular options: the famed Pasta Toss. Dishwashers were delighted at the news, saying, “Do you know how terrible my job on Pasta Toss day is? Everyone’s pasta gets cooked in its own pan. It’s ridiculous! I have to hand wash at least 350 pans on those nights! I just stand there scrubbing off the grease and thinking: ‘Are. You. Serious.’”
One worker, originally saddened by the news, eventually came around to the idea. “We were set to unveil a special new Caprese Salad lunch wrap,” she began, “but on second thought, it’s probably best we don’t. The cheese was just some leftover Kraft singles from the omelette bar this morning, the tomatoes would’ve come from a ten-gallon jug of Hunt’s tomato sauce, I found a bag of leaves in the back that kind of looks like basil, and we found a bottle of brown liquid in the fridge that might be maple syrup but I think could pass as a balsamic vinaigrette, so… yeah.”
Echoing his fellow workers’ sentiments, a manager shrugged his dejected shoulders and said, “It’s pretty obvious that none of the kids want our food and none of my workers actually want to be here. Mac just becomes a noisy study space with crappy overhead music in the afternoon anyway.”
One basketball player was rather elated by the news, saying, “Hey, maybe this means I’ll get to go out and eat with the team; I heard Chipotle reopened!”
The Commons will, however, reopen at midnight on Saturday, just in time for the hordes of inebriated undergrads to order the venue’s best item, the coveted late-night menu.
Upon leaving the dining hall, a McElroy manager told this reporter, “We still expect people to flock to Lower Late Night, due its larger array of options and genuinely better atmosphere, but hey–new day, new Mac. At least we’re not Stuart.”