Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on anything to do with Shirley Gee. In fact, most of our editorial board has never even heard of her.
For senior Danny Calink, it just became too much. Constant emails, internship applications, and club propaganda got to him and he couldn’t take it anymore.
“Sometimes I get like eight emails a day and three of them are from her,” said Calink. “It was like a constant reminder that I don’t have my life together. But there’s something more. It’s like she knows.”
When asked what it is she knows, his eyes got wide and he could only say again, “She knows, man.”
So he did the only thing he could do: go off the grid.
Calink forwent all internet privileges – except, you know, to check Facebook. He doesn’t use his phone, unless it’s after 5PM or a weekend. And he moved to the the farthest corner of campus, deeply shrined in mystery. I spoke with him in his dark dorm room in Williams Hall. His eyes were bloodshot and it looked like he had been surviving solely on Steak and Cheese from Mac for a week. Ask he spoke, he gestured wildly to a gigantic bulletin board behind him that held pictures, emails, and maps of campus connected with yarn.
“I’m so close to cracking it,” Calink whispered. He warned me to speak quietly because ‘they’re always listening.’ He used his bluetooth speaker to drown out the noise of his voice so that anyone passing by the room would think he was enjoying “Life of Pablo” at an inappropriately loud level.
Calink seems to think there is a code in these emails. He’s devoted his entire life to this theory between classes and SigEp and his budding career as a DJ. He spends at least one hour on this hunch every day, drawing on more of his productive energy than he does for his midterms. And his work may bear fruit.
“One of these emails says ‘Sorry, wrong listserv,’ but I don’t think it was a mistake,” he blurts. He started wrapping the yarn around more of the thumbtacks. “I think she meant for us to see that set of numbers. My roommate says they were dates of finals, but he doesn’t understand. He’s a Bio major.”
I spoke to other students to see if this was a widely held belief, that Shirley Gee is trying to tell us something. One student told us that he has a special folder in his inbox where all of the emails go “to die”. Another said he appreciates all the emails.
“I like knowing what opportunities are available,” said sophomore Andy Mitchell. “Its good to know I can put on my resumé that I’m getting coffee for someone important this summer.”
Most of the students I spoke to had no clue what I was talking about.
As for Calink, he’s still working on his theory. He believes he’ll have it cracked in time to turn his work into a thesis paper. His obsession with checking his email to seem productive and the social isolation of Williams gives him the tools necessary to craft the paper in a matter of weeks.
“I’m not even a Political Science major,” he shouts with a crazed look in his eye. “I’m an International Studies major! I shouldn’t even get these emails!”
Photo One Courtesy of Author