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Game of Thrones: Season 6

Season 6 of HBO’s Game of Thrones kicked off this weekend and provided everything a GOT fan could’ve asked for in a season premiere. There were sword fights, assassinations, nudity we wanted and 150-year-old grandma nudity we all could’ve done without. But more importantly, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss (the geniuses behind the show) gave us a great overview of the state of Westeros and what to expect this season. So here’s a house-by-house rundown:

The Night’s Watch

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Alright, so this isn’t exactly a house but this is where Season 5 ends and Season 6 begins so I figured this would be a good place to start. Jon Snow is still dead (crap). Ser Davos, who is shaping up to be total bro this season, finds Snow stabbed and left to die by his own men. Davos orders his few trusted soldiers to take Snow to his quarters; they lay Snow on a table where he chills for the remainder of the episode. As a result of his kindness, Davos finds himself on the seemingly wrong side (from a numbers perspective) of the impeding Night’s Watch civil war. Team Davos hunkers down and sends one of their men to go find people who “owe their lives to Jon Snow” – presumably the Wildlings.

Stark

It still sucks to be a member of House Stark. While we haven’t been updated on Bran Stark’s situation since he went AWOL after Season 4,  rumor has it that the rightful heir to the North will be returning to our screens sometime this season. Meanwhile, Sansa Stark and Theon Greyjoy are on the run from the show’s most twisted character since King Joffrey, Ramsay Bolton. Their escape hits a momentary obstacle when they are hunted down by a group of Ramsay’s men with bloodhounds, but the pair is saved by Brienne of Tarth and her trusty sidekick Podrick. So Sansa, everyone’s least-favorite favorite character survives to annoy us another day. On the other side of the world, Sansa’s little sister, Arya, is still trying to become a faceless assassin. Arya remains blind as a result of her act of defiance against her mentors in the last season; she now lives on the streets panhandling. To make matters worse, a woman from the assassin school comes to beat the crap out of her every day. Like I said, it sucks to be a Stark.

Lannister

the-ship-containing-jaime-bronn-trystane-and-myrcellas-body-is-heading-to-dock-in-kings-landingWe left season 5 with Myrcella Baratheon’s poisoning at the hands of Oberyn Martell’s bitter (probably rightfully so) widow, who is on the list of names I don’t attempt to remember in order to avoid memory overload. Cersei Lannister, after having a shitty Season 5 is looking forward to her daughter’s return home to boost her spirits. But she is extremely distraught after seeing Myrcella’s lifeless body in a boat accompanied by her brother/lover/side piece, Jamie. Cersei’s sadness inspires sympathy as she calls herself a “monster” and mourns the loss of her second child. Then the show cuts to Margaery Tyrell and you remember why Cersei is one of the top five worst people in Westeros.

Tyrell

Margaery is still locked up in a prison cell being guarded by our resident religious fanatics after being snitched on by Cersei. Judging by her Lady Gaga level twitching every time her guard/spiritual director gets too close, Margaery is not getting the best treatment during her stay in jail. However, all the former queen seems to care about is seeing her brother Loras, who is probably just a few cell doors down; he is still in jail for being gay (while the incestuous murderers run free).   It’ll be interesting to see where this storyline goes from here. I’m predicting a comeback for House Tyrell, they just need to make some big moves sooner rather than later.

Martell

Oberyn’s former lover continues her killing streak in the first episode of Season 6. In what is the biggest power move of the season so far, she orchestrates the murder of the prince of Dorne and his son. This puts her to the top of the Dornish political structure. It will be fascinating to see how she and her daughters fair in the now inevitable war with the Lannisters.

Targaryen
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Daenerys Targaryen took several consecutive L’s during this season’s premiere. Her scene opens with her being captured by a Dorthraki hoard. The hoard takes her as their prisoner and brings the “mother of dragons” back to their leader, Khal Moro. Daenerys talks a big game when she arrives, saying that she deserves respect as the former wife of Khal Drogo, who died during Season 1. Everyone agrees, and then they inform her that she belongs in Vaes Dothrak, where she will live out her days with the other widows. So it looks like the Targaryen conquest of Westeros will be delayed, as its leader is a prisoner of a tribe of horse worshippers.

The Red Woman

This episode’s big reveal was the discovery that The Red Woman is actually well over 150 years old. Undesirable full frontal followed the revelation. The necklace that Lady Melisandre wears apparently is more than just a fashion statement for the witch – it makes her look about 100 years younger. Without Stannis Baratheon to obsess over, the Red Woman seems to be aligning herself with Ser Davos. Meanwhile, we the viewers just want her to use her powers to bring back Jon Snow.

Photo One . Photo Two . Photo Three

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