Movies like Grease, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and basically any Nicholas Sparks movie ever, have really set the bar high for hopeless romantics like myself. We’re all just looking for the Danny to our Sandy — and what better time to do so than the summer? It can often become stressful to prioritize schoolwork in college when you are expected to earn an MRS Degree in four short years; however, summer is perfect because you will have plenty of free time to husband-hunt.
Chances are, you are not going to be compatible with every man you meet. But the good news is that there are steps you can take to reduce this risk. I think I can speak for all 20 year old females when I say — I’m just looking for that special someone I can bitch to my therapist about.
CAST A WIDE NET
There are plenty of fish in the sea as they say, so you should cast a wide net and trap one of those helpless suckers into a relationship in order to increase your chances of success. Start by choosing at least twenty-five of the most rich, handsome, and well-endowed eligible bachelors from your local supermarket, church, Craigslist ad, etc. to become acquainted with. Although dating multiple suitors at once may become overwhelming and somewhat time-consuming, you can allocate your time with each man efficiently by hosting an exclusive Bachelor-style cattle call rendezvous in your apartment complex. Ration your time equally between your applicants the men, but inform them that they are allowed to break in and “steal you for a sec” during your tête-à-têtes with the other bachelors.
In addition, you should encourage the men to crusade for your love by physically attacking each other. Having your suitors vie for your attention is the best way to weed out the f***boys distinguish who is truly here for the right reasons. Plus, every damsel in distress loves a good duel.
FIND COMMON INTERESTS
Once you have felt a strong one-on-one connection with one of the men, invite him back to the fantasy suite your local Chili’s so you can get to know him more intimately. Like any interview, make sure you do your research thoroughly beforehand. You don’t want to waste your time with someone you have nothing in common with, so make sure to stalk all of his social media platforms to find out what his interests are. This is a great way to prevent awkward silences during your date. When the conversation starts to die, you can pique his interest with a spontaneous reenactment of his favorite Vine.
When he asks you about your interests, you should heckle all of his answers and respond with their polar opposites. Then comment on how funny it is that “opposites really do attract.” Guys love a girl with a sense of humor. Make sure to interrogate him about his family vacation to Lake Tahoe in 2006 and hint that, although you’ve never been there before, you would love to go there on your honeymoon… “whenever that may be.”
Men are not mind-readers. On the contrary, most men need explicit clarification regarding virtually any issue, especially when it comes to dating. This is why it is crucial to be very clear with your man about what you are looking for. Constantly update him about how you feel and, if he doesn’t respond well to this, try subliminally messaging him… “Which movie, surprise me with flowers, do you want to see tonight, Anthony?”
If you’re feeling especially frisky, try speaking to your significant other strictly in one of the five romance languages. This will really get his blood flowing. And don’t even worry if you don’t “habla español” — pig latin will certainly suffice. “Y-may arents-pay ant-way o-tay eet-may ou-yay.” Your man will be instantly aroused.
According to Freud, all men subconsciously want to bang their moms have an “Oedipus complex.” It seems to me like Freud just made up this term to justify his own creepy fetish, but I digress. In the off-chance that this may be legit, what bigger turn-on than for you to metamorphose into emulate his mother! Talk to him in a baby voice. When he tells you to “cut that s*** out”, tell that young man he’s grounded — effective immediately. Give him affectionate nicknames like “Marshmallow,” “Pooh Bear,” “The family disappointment,” etc. Read all of his texts and, if he catches you, tell him that when he lives under your roof, he has to abide by your rules. When your man counters back that he does not live under your roof and that you’re a “psychopath”, inform him that you’ve “been meaning to talk to him about moving in together.” Freudian slip.
Above all, it is so important to be able to be yourself around your crush. You should be spending every waking second with, or at the very least communicating with, your significant other, so your true colors are ultimately going to be revealed. The best way to go about this, is to expose your inner psychopath to your man in small increments. Once you’re sure he’s in too deep, start gently weaning him off your emotionally-stable facade by remarking about your recent weight-gain or how his ex-girlfriend “kinda reminds you of Rosie O’Donnell.” Be careful not to scare him off; if he gets defensive, inform him that you “meant it as a compliment” and that you find Rosie “inspiring.” Men love a girl who can be herself, so make sure to drunk text him at every opportunity, and whatever you do — never be afraid to ugly-cry.
Whether you’re looking for the real deal with your C$OM sweetheart or just some sweaty steamy “Summer Lovin’,” if you follow the tips above you are guaranteed to have men lining up at your doorstep in no time.