Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. Happy Thanksgiving from TRBC!
Probably the most likely topic to come up at dinner outside of politics anyway, sports can be equally as annoying to talk about/fight over. For those that would rather argue with their uncles over pinstripes than pantsuits, here are some topics to talk about… Absolute Neanderthal savage man Conor McGregor became the first UFC fighter to hold a belt in two different weight classes. The Cleveland Indians joined the Golden State Warriors in blowing a 3-1 lead in their respective sports championships as the Chicago Cubs won their first World Series in 108 years. On Thanksgiving, America gets the torture fortune of watching the surprisingly not awful Lions and Cowboys as they do every year. Hopefully Le’veon Bell and Antonio Brown can provide excitement in the night game as you slip into a blissful food coma.
- Light Meat vs. Dark Meat
It’s dark meat, not even close. Light meat is dry, chalky, and revolting.*
*unless you drown it in gravy because gravy could make Lima beans taste good.
- The Gradual Legalization of Marijuana Across the Country
Here’s a topic that isn’t polarizing at all! You’ll learn a lot about your family on this one.
- Planet Earth II
The long awaited sequel to the ground-breaking show is finally here one decade later, and it’s hitting us with footage of the Earth that is downright bananaland. From the flappy lizard legs to the nightmare-esque battalion of snakes, this clip, from the episode entitled Islands, is already being claimed by some as the most amazing thing ever caught on camera.
- Kate Upton’s Fire Tweet Game
Despite receiving the most first place votes in the AL Cy Young Award race, Detroit Tigers pitcher and Kate Upton’s fiancée Justin Verlander finished second in the overall voting to Boston’s Rick Porcello because two voters left the Tigers ace completely off of their ballot (selected writers are allowed to vote for their top 5 pitchers in the league). This led to the model delivering a heavy contender for Tweet of the Year.
— Kate Upton (@KateUpton) November 16, 2016
Also, hey Justin Verlander…
- Jeffrey Wright
The underrated actor is the undisputed star of HBO’s newest hit drama Westworld. Wright, a long time supporting actor in movies you’ve probably seen but roles you don’t remember, like Casino Royale and The Hunger Games trilogy, has finally been given the chance to shine. Along with strong performances from Anthony Hopkins, Ed Harris, and Evan Rachel Wood, Westworld is beginning to catch up to Netflix’s Stranger Things as the must watch new show of the year.
- That Dude Climbing Trump Tower
Remember this? Back in August Virginia native Stephen Rogata, 19, used suction cups to scale Trump (triggered) Tower in New York. Apparently he was taken in for a psychological evaluation but nothing has been heard from him since. Still a pretty balls to the wall move. Respect, crazy man.
- What’s going on with Kanye West?
Speaking of psychological evaluations, everyone’s favorite 2020 election (double triggered) candidate, Kanye West has been checked into the hospital after a meltdown on stage during his Saint Pablo Tour. Now, it’s long been acknowledged that Mr. West is slightly crazy in the brainspace. This final meltdown, and his subsequent trip to the hospital, sheds some light on the notion that he’s not putting on an act, but is actually batshit. The Kardashians sure seem to ruin the life of every man they come around.
- How I, Paul Shuler, tore my ACL
Thanks a lot Matt McCarthy.
Just Kidding! There’s no way you get through Thanksgiving without someone mentioning the shit show that was this election. If you think you do, the President-elect of the United States has a message for you…