Disclaimer: This article is meant to be satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the author or of TRBC.
Good news arrived for people who hate their relatives everywhere as big-box stores announced that they will be opening as early as 3pm on Thanksgiving day for door-busting Black Friday deals.
Moments after giving thanks for the little things in life like their health, their family, and their friends, people nationwide will be dashing to the malls to celebrate what’s really important: the stuff.
“When you think about it, Thanksgiving is pretty damn boring!” gasped Ed McMurray between throwing elbows at his local Best Buy. “The religious holidays have it figured out. If you want people to care, you have to incorporate free stuff somehow.”
Studies have found that Thanksgiving is just too pure and mellow of a holiday for the everyday fast-paced American lifestyle. When taking the time to give thanks for all of the things they do have in their lives, people just realize all of the things that they don’t have, like the new PlayStation Virtual Reality headset.
“Luckily, 2016 didn’t give me too many things to be thankful for, so I was able to dip out of my brother’s house pretty quickly,” said Diane Artman, a self-proclaimed Black Friday queen, who also dabbles in Cyber Monday specials.
While the gratitude giving aspect of Thanksgiving is easily abandoned by most shopping enthusiasts, they’ve overwhelmingly stated that they don’t wish to lose all aspects of the Thanksgiving tradition. Pie and mashed potatoes ranked high on the list of things Americans wished to be carried over to this adapted holiday.
“Unfortunately we never could really find a way to commercialize Thanksgiving. Our long-term hope is that Thanksgiving will be slowly phased out altogether in the next 10 years, so we can jump right into Christmas, oh, that glorious money-maker,” chuckled Dale Haverford, co-manager at Target store 1516.
Not everyone, however, was thrilled to hear of this recent change. “Well, I guess this is just another year no one is going to help me clean up,” grumbled an exhausted Mabel Amesbury, who has hosted Thanksgiving dinner for her in-laws for the past twenty-two years. “I miss the days when people just watched the football game instead of lending a hand. You know, a respectable rudeness.” Mabel added that next year she plans on straying away from her traditional spread and opting for a more practical and portable option for her guests – smoked turkey legs “like they do at Disney World.”