The holiday season is upon us, and if you’re anything like me, you’re either: A) a broke ass college student in need of gifts for family and friends, or B) a person shopping for a broke ass college kid that has no idea what they want because they’re so distracted by finals. Being the resident broke (both spiritually and economically) college student, I happen to be in both of these aforementioned situations and am therefore quite qualified to give you all some suggestions for your shopping lists.
First up, we have caffeine pills for your hard working, sleep deprived, utterly defeated college student. There’s simply no downside to these (disregarding the variety of health issues that can come from a complete lack of sleep) as they can only help any student’s grades, and in turn their attitude, as they cram every last bit of knowledge into their heads at 4 a.m. To go along with caffeine pills, one can purchase a sizeable supply of Flintstone gummy vitamins. These can help support the destroyed immune system of your over-caffeinated, sickly, tired student.
Next up is a dog, because honestly what college student doesn’t want a dog? Dogs are the physical embodiment of everything that’s good in the world. Just the best creature in the animal kingdom. If buying a dog is too much money, simply steal one – totally worth whatever trouble you may get in.
Gift cards to El Pelon and Pino’s Pizza are a saving grace for many college students, as everyone could use an El Guapo burrito and slice of BBQ chicken pizza every now and then. (El Pelon and Pino’s, if you’re reading this, I plugged you guys so could I maybe get some free food or something? I’d really appreciate it, I suck at cooking, and dining hall food gets old).
You could also purchase your student a solid curve on their finals, and boost in their GPA, by bribing professors, TA’s, Deans, or really anyone in the academic department. You want them to succeed just as much as they want them to succeed, so why not drop some cash to make it happen? Sure, it may go against all moral fibers you possess, but just throwing the idea out there for you.
A membership to Spotify Premium is also a great gift idea for the struggling college student. While they slave away in the depths of the library during finals they can listen to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on permanent repeat, as thoughts of candy canes and sugar plums dance through their heads.
Finally, dogs. Did I already mention this? Doesn’t matter honestly, everyone needs a dog in their life, so it can just be shouted from the rooftops.
Wishing a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year’s to you and yours from me and mine.