On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: twelve ugly sweaters and a partridge in a pear tree.
I wish. Twelve ugly sweaters would have been quite the welcomed surprise. Or even one. After spending the past two holiday seasons at Boston College, I’ve come to realize that there is an overwhelmingly glorious amount of Christmas spirit on campus. Naturally, I planned ahead this year by returning from Thanksgiving break with enough lights to make a runway for Rudolph right into Walsh Hall.
However, if you’re like me, the one quintessential article of clothing that you didn’t think to get when you did your back-to-school shopping was an ugly Christmas sweater. Correction: several ugly Christmas sweaters to wear to the inevitable Christmas themed social gatherings, parties, cookie swaps, white elephants, and whatever else you may have been invited to on campus. Don’t get me wrong, I adore the Christmas spirit! But I got rather tired of harassing my friends, friends of friends, and their roommates when I was looking for something to wear that shouted, “Santa is coming!”
So, I’ve decided to solve this great Christmas mystery. For those of you who are wary of malls and braving the bitter cold of New England, have no fear, for I have compiled a list of this year’s best selection of ugly Christmas sweaters, coming to department stores near you. And best of all, you don’t even have to leave your room, except maybe to slip on your fuzzy slippers and mosey on down to the package center.
Cat and Owner FaceSwap Meme Sweatshirt
The brilliance of this sweatshirt is undoubtedly the artistry in which someone found a way to incorporate today’s current pop culture. The much used snapchat face swap filter blends a possessed cat with his crazed owner in a bizarre juxtaposition of Christmas spirit, floating heads, and psychedelic snowflakes. And, might I add, the owner radiates a suffering case of “finals has broken me.”
Here’s a throwback! But remember when clowns were running rampant around college campuses around Halloween? I dedicate this year’s Nightmare Before Christmas outfit to those souls trying to terrify small children into avoiding Santa’s naughty list. This set of footy pajamas is complete with a snowman face mask that will have people fearing Return of the Christmas Clown, he who captures his victims by pelting them with snowballs.
Christmas Tree Hoodie
Looking for a way to hide at this year’s family Christmas party? Look no further than this fabulous Christmas Tree Hoodie. Perfect for practicing your camouflage skills, simply zip it on, assume a motionless tree pose, and everyone will think your family bought two christmas trees instead of one this year. It’s even complete with a star-capped hood!
DIY Ugly Holiday Sweater Kit
If you want to unleash your inner creative this holiday season, why not design your own holiday sweater? This kit comes complete with a striped sweater and all manner of knick-knacks to stitch on to it. Design your own pattern of random objects collected from the back of your kindergarten art drawer, such as pom-poms or little plastic presents. And then if you’re bored at the party, create your own game where guests close their eyes, feel your sweater, and try to figure out what in the world you’re wearing!
Advent Calendar Holiday Sweater
With twenty-five windows, each containing a different hidden design, you could wear this sweater for days and never get bored! It manages to capture the excitement of an advent calendar while providing an excellent distraction if you’re bored in your next calculus class. Just say you’re practicing your counting skills by counting down the days until Santa arrives. You could even tape chocolates inside each window so you’re never without a snack. The possibilities are endless when you have a sweater of hidden mysteries.
Christmas in Space Sweater
Frankly, this sweater confuses me. First of all, if you’re designing a sweater for Christmas, where exactly is the correlation between Christmas and space? Last I checked, Santa lived in the North Pole. And while he may have a flying sled and reindeer, those reindeer never quite make it out of the atmosphere – although I do think rocket fuel would be a nice addition to the sleigh. But flying reindeer with red laser beams shooting out of their eyes? No. Rudolph has a red nose, not possessed red eyes. And why are there floating pizzas? What does pizza have to do with Christmas or space?! It’s like the designers themselves were aliens, rather unfamiliar with the concept of Christmas.
You’d think that this is a sweater, but plot twist! It’s actually a long sleeve T-shirt. So not only will you not be overheated at your next mod party, but you’ll also be multicultural as well! This “sweater” features a half Christmas, half Hanukkah blend of festivity. And it’s complete with a diversity tie as well. Slip this on, and you’ll be all ready to spin the dreidel while busting out some Christmas carols!
Pong Party Sweater Vest
Santa hats or solo cups? Snow balls or ping pong balls? They’ll never know! This sweater can be whatever you want it to be. Wear it to your next mod party, and you’ll be ready to go for beer pong. You’re guaranteed to win when you’re already dressed like a winner. But better yet, it doubles as a sweater vest for your family Christmas party. Grandma will for sure mistake those solo cups and ping pong balls for innocent snowballs and Santa hats, and your little cousins will be dying to try this comfy vest on.