Disclaimer: This article is meant to be satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the author or of TRBC.
Coming home for winter break can be tough for freshmen who have just experienced their first taste of freedom and now are expected to abide by their parents’ rules for an entire month at home. Brad Baker, CSOM ‘20, who recently acquired the nickname “Rigor Mortis” after an intense night of partying in his older brother’s 8-man, reported initially experiencing sweating, tremors, and difficulty concentrating 24 hours after arriving at his Long Island home. “I thought I was dying,” the freshman reflected somberly, “and then I realized I was having Rubi withdrawals.” Luckily, sources say, his brother has a fake. Fellow classmate and party-goer Carrie Brown, MCAS ‘20, who recently had her dorm room searched by BCPD after allegedly writing TRAPHOUSE on her whiteboard, reportedly “literally died of boredom” upon leaving campus this past Wednesday evening. In memoriam, college students across the country have banded together to compile tips to help freshmen survive the holiday season unscathed.
Idle hands are the devil’s playground, as they say, so if you have nothing to do over the holidays, you can never schedule too many appointments while you are home. Have your mom schedule all of your doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, hair appointments, etc. even if you literally just had one. One added benefit of scheduling so many appointments in such a short window of time is that all of your hometown peers are likely doing the same thing, so you will have a plethora of opportunities to reconnect with former classmates, who have not spoken to you since high school, in the waiting room of your therapist or local gyno. Chad Smith, a freshman at BU, recently admitted feeling “overwhelmed” when he caught sight the backlog of appointments his mom had set up for him on her kitchen calendar, adding that he “could’ve sworn” he just had a dentist appointment over Thanksgiving break. “I’ve never even had braces,” the 19-year-old tweeted from the parking lot of Dr. Happy’s Orthodontics.
RECONNECT WITH OLD FRIENDS
If you don’t get the chance to catch up with that rando who sat behind you in pre-calc sophomore year, try checking your Facebook newsfeed for updates. One of the most humbling parts of coming home for the holidays is discovering via Facebook that the remedial kid who slept through high school is now a 4.0 scholar, double-majoring in Legos and Bird-Watching at South Harmon Institute of Technology. Mary Johnson, a junior majoring in Basket-Weaving at S.H.I.T. recently took to Facebook to modestly acknowledge to her family and friends that, “Hard work DOES pay off,” after successfully juggling a rigorous course load while simultaneously pledging for Iota Delta Chi this past semester. Sources say the junior, who recently declared a minor in Magic Markers, suspects that the valedictorian and salutatorian from her high school graduating class need to “get their s*** together” like she did, suggesting that “perhaps they peaked in high school.” Representatives from Harvard and Stanford were unavailable for comment.
Everybody knows that Christmastime is cuffing season, and if you are lucky, you might even get the chance to find love in your hometown over winter break. If you find yourself getting sick of the same old people, the best way to reach out to a new dating pool is by re-downloading Tinder. Every town inevitably has a couple of those guys who graduated like 6 years ago but never moved away, like significantly younger girls, and are indiscriminate towards sexual partners. Chances are, he is probably skinny, drives a pickup truck, and sports a meager Hagrid beard. If he’s holding a fish in his profile picture, that’s definitely him. According to Tim Jones, a CHS graduate of the Class of ‘11, who is 6 feet “if it matters,” to him, age is just a number. “My parents are 51 and 58, and no one thinks twice,” said the 24-year-old, readjusting his Make America Great Again hat in the CHS parking lot, adding that his beard is anything but “meager.”
If all else fails, exercise. Exercising is the best natural cure for boredom, and has been proven to help relieve stress, anxiety, and depression. There are so many reasons to workout – you’ll look better, you’ll feel better; moreover, exercising releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy. Recent studies show that drinking one glass of red wine is actually the health equivalent of working out for an hour at the gym. Thus, if the holidays are getting you down, chugging a bottle of Cabernet seems to be a healthy and rational workout alternative according to science. Although I am not a certified personal trainer, I can 100% vouch for the efficacy of the following cardio routines.
Coming home for Christmas can be tough, but by following the tips above, a month will fly by in no time.