If you’re sitting at Mac with your homeboys while they’re telling you about all the crazy things they did over spring break and you realize your week consisted of three meals a day, Netflix, and sleep, you’ve clicked on the right article. For all of you who need a “so crazy it couldn’t possibly be fabricated” story to tell your obviously just as genuinely exciting friends at the lunch table, here are some certainly not fake tales to use so you don’t look like a total square.
The first story comes from the definitely existing sophomore “frat star with no frat or frat house,” Davis Buckhorn: “Ok, so like my parents have this beach place in Florida man, it’s MASSIVE. Like I slept in a different room every night and I wasn’t even halfway done by the time break ended. It was INSANE. So like I have some friends who go to FSU and they throw crazy parties at their frat like every day, and I hung out with them the whole time. Every day was wake up, lift, eat, get super schwasted, hook up with between three and eight ultra-hot sorority girls, smoke a FAT doobie, pass out, and repeat dude. Like this one day I was benching 350, if you were wondering, and this bangin’ chick came up and was like ‘Hey let’s smash’, and I was like ‘I mean yeah obviously’ so we did and it was pretty lit. That same night I was on my 27th shot and when I took it my head flew back so fast that my Patagonia hat flew off and hit a dude in the face. He got moderately upset so I beat the crap out of him and it was crazy. Basically every night was out of this world dude, definitely like my sixth favorite spring break so far, behind that time in Wichita and the time I got kidnapped by ISIS and it turned out they actually rage super hard.”
Our second story, which is open for plagiarism if need be, comes from junior intramural sports phenomenon and English major, Greg McKegg: “The boys back in Philly call me McKegg Stand you know, and for good reason. It was a gorgeous winter evening and my squad and I had just returned from a heated game of pickup basketball. I put up 30 points and had a few boards as expected, and it was a good time. As we arrived at my home, which had been recently vacated for the weekend by my parents, we had an idea. We called up some friends, who then called their friends, and so on. I made a short trip to Huckleberry Gin’s for a few handles, and within an hour the house party was in full swing. I became rather inebriated in a brief amount of time, guzzling down Strawberry Rubinoff like a Newton Campus freshman girl at a Mod party. It was around midnight when headlights shined through the window as a car pulled up to the house, and within seconds my friend Griffin Fein stormed through the door with his arms wrapped around a keg. So, naturally, I found myself holding myself up with both hands while simultaneously drinking an inhumane amount of Natural Ice through a tube just moments later. And then the cops came because apparently we were ‘too rowdy’ and the bass was ‘earsplittingly obnoxious’ and since I’m only 20 they arrested me and cleared out the house. Luckily for me, my dad regularly plays badminton at the local YMCA with the chief of the Philadelphia Police Department, so when I used my phone call to explain what happened, I found myself released minutes later. I’m almost positive there has never been a cooler party or crazier night in the history of cool parties and crazy nights, so I’m pretty glad it happened to me.”
Our final story comes straight from the Svedka-soaked lips of freshman CSOM-extraordinaire, Jimmy Budberry: “You know how I told you I might be going to Cancun already? Well, I did and it was the definition of wild, man. Like when I got there I went straight to the beach and oh BOY were there just endless babes out there, dude! I’m underage, but they didn’t care at all so I got so much booze and I got super drunk like every day it was just nuts. I sort of had to keep it on the down low though because it was technically a family vacation, but screw them this was my time to shine. So one of the days I got drunk out of my mind and suddenly found myself getting out of a cab in the middle of downtown Cancun. I didn’t think too much of it, but after a while I realized that I had worn my beloved Make America Great Again hat out to the beach and it was still on my head. As you can probably guess, the residents of Cancun were not too fond of my apparel. Push came to shove and after a few minutes on the streets I was tied up in an alley with a gun to my head. After lying to them by saying how much I hated the idea of the wall and that I was only wearing the hat ironically, they stole my hat, sunglasses, and wallet and let me go. As I walked off, I heard one of them say ‘Tenga cuidado por aquí perra,’ which I assume was not exactly pleasant. Luckily there was only one of my credit cards and $900 in cash in my wallet, so it wasn’t too horrible of a loss, even though getting chewed out by my parents sucked a little bit. But hey, it was a cool story right? Right?”
There you have it, one of those stories could be your “get out of jail free” card if you had the most boring spring break ever and need to make your friends think you’re cool to boost your self-esteem. Use these stories wisely, because if your friends are of average intelligence or higher they’ll smell your BS like they’re locked in a barn. But if they’re pretty dumb, these are the stories for you, so good luck!