NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND—New Orleans faced more than spectacular dunks, barrages of three-pointers, and players’ underwhelming defense this latest NBA All-Star Weekend. Kyrie Irving, the starting point guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers, shook the (flat) Earth with his ground-breaking new theory: the Earth is flat. The former student athlete of the prestigious Duke University speculates that “It’s right in front of our faces. They lie to us. There is no concrete information except for the information that they’re giving us…The truth is right there, you just got to go searching for it.” Irving leaves us questioning, “What should we believe?”
Even more like-minded people are emerging from the shadows to defend Irving. Fellow former professional basketball player, and more importantly, doctorate degree holder from the acclaimed Barry University, Dr. Shaquille O’Neal weighed in on the hot topic. In an interview on his podcast, The Big Podcast with Shaq, he proposed his brain-wracking observation: “It’s true. The Earth is flat…In school, first thing they teach us, ‘Oh, Columbus discovered America.’ But when you got there, it was some fair-skinned people with long hair smoking on peace pipes.” Dr. O’Neal further added, “I drive from Florida to California all the time, and it’s flat to me.” Excellent bit of evidence with experimentation to back his claim.
With the findings from Dr. O’Neal and initial controversy from Irving, other professional basketball players, Draymond Green and Wilson Chandler, have speculated that, “The Earth ‘could be’ flat.” Could this be true? What are we to believe?
I know what many of you readers must be thinking, “C’mon now, Mr. Newsman McCartney, the smartest scientists have proven that the Earth is flat.” Well, hypothetical reader, I retort your claim with the famous “Cereal Defense” from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Over the course of time, there have been many famous and highly distinguished scientists. The general public usually accepts their theories on account of the willingness to believe the work of the “smartest people” at the time. Aristotle, for example, redefined philosophy and science, but believed that the Earth was in fact the center of the universe. The public believed him because of his intellectual prowess, but ultimately his theory was disproven by Galileo. He made the public, a.k.a. us, look like a bunch of idiots.
Once again, we hopped on to the words and theories of Galileo. Yes, this famous physicist and mathematician acted as a major catalyst for the Scientific Revolution of the 17th Century, but he also believed comets were an optical illusion and that the moon had no impact on the tides. We accepted his theories, wanted to believe them, and unfortunately were rudely awakened when his theories were disproven. Proving a heliocentric solar system can only bring you so far, you big idiot Galileo. And now we find another “big brained scientist” making all of us look like a bunch of morons.
Finally, we have Isaac Newton. This genius discovered gravity, an accomplishment for the ages. Despite his superior knowledge, he thought he could turn metal into gold and died eating mercury. Sounds like a pretty big idiot to me if you’re asking.
So, if these scientists were wrong, who is to say that the scientists who proved the Earth was round are correct. Sure, I imagine you’re there thinking to yourself, “This is preposterous. There are figures, images, and findings that absolutely prove the Earth’s spherical nature.” And to that I say, have you seen the Earth for yourself at a distance to actually observe its shape? Are you really going to sit there and accept the work of these “geniuses,” each of which is found to be a bigger dunce than the last one? I think I’ll pass, Mr. Hypothetical Reader.