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Boston College FYE Hires Underachieving OLs in the Name of Authenticity

Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings towards FYE, OLs, or SAFTB flags.

carneyBoston College’s Orientation Leaders represent the student body and help incoming freshman form their first impressions of BC. For that reason, Boston College, a university with a fine-tuned focus on appearances, annually commits to a painstaking process in selecting truly standout applicants from the competitive pool. Traditionally, applicants must undergo a series of intense interviews, writing supplements, and, rumor has it, an American Ninja Warrior challenge in order to achieve a coveted OL position. Past OLs have all had stellar GPAs, leadership positions in prominent BC clubs, contagious positive attitudes, an extensive social circle, immense school pride, Jesuit values, and diverse, resonating backgrounds. As a result, every kid leaves orientation invigorated for their four years on the Heights, believing that despite the mediocre individual they are right now, their college experience will be just as sugar-coated and seemingly perfect as their fearless leader’s.

However, BC’s Office of First Year Experience has heard an increasing number of cries for more authenticity on campus, and as a result, recently unveiled their all-new 2017 Orientation Leaders in what many around campus are referring to as the “Revenge of the Average”. The OL selection process this year involved picking those two students over there, that group of kids right there, and…that one girl crying in the corner all the way over there. A representative from the FYE office defended this controversial decision by stating, “Look, these fresh-eyed high school graduates are going to have their spirits crushed by college eventually, might as well rip off the Band-Aid early. I can’t think of a more real, commonplace, authentic group of upperclassmen to usher them into this idyllic nightmare.”

Let’s meet some of the members on this year’s roster:

Jack MacInsecure MCAS ‘19
Jack is majoring in Econ, and explains that while his GPA isn’t that high, it’s just because he couldn’t hear what Tresch was saying. He currently lives in a traditional double in 66 (“but it’s on Lower!”) where he hangs his Saturdays Are For The Boys flag with pride. He enjoys attending tailgates but not football games and blacking out several nights a week in order to forget his crippling anxiety that has gone undiagnosed in part due to an under-resourced University Counseling Services.

Katie O’Basic MCAS ‘18
Katie adamantly opposes the hook-up culture but has admittedly answered Josh’s late night texts twice this semester. She attends Japan Club meetings on sushi night and has been a loyal member to the BC Wishmakers’ LISTSERV for three years now. You can find her complaining about the salad line in Eagle’s and getting an early start on embracing the SWUG title.

Cait McStressed MCAS ‘18
Cait got to the Plex a record three times last month and is going through “a really great stretch right now” in that she hasn’t had a mental breakdown since last Tuesday night. After getting rejected from 5 internships in a week, Cait was really surprised that the position of OL was offered to her, and is praying that this too won’t fall through.

Jake FitzLuck MCAS ‘19
After finally recovering from a new strain of Norovirus and relieved that he doesn’t have to return to his Jersey home for the summer, Jake is excited to tell the class of 2021 some of his favorite things about BC such as, “the cheesesteaks are pretty good” and “each semester is only 16 weeks long”.

In addition to the leadership turnover, BC announced that all meals served during orientation will be from the Wok Away station. FYE hopes that their drastic changes will better represent the BC student body as a whole and that the class of 2021 will find their leaders to be #relatable and “as goddamn authentic as they come”.

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