Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the author’s or TRBC’s feelings toward or position on anything to do with McElroy Commons or Students for Sexual Health.
MCELROY COMMONS – While walking to lunch late Friday morning, freshman Sean Reilly suffered an existential crisis upon seeing that Students for Sexual Health was handing out free condoms outside Mac.
Reilly, with sweaty palms, reached into his wallet only to make the unfortunate discovery that the condom he had kept there for the past four months had wrinkled to the point of uselessness.
As he crossed Hammond Street, the Philadelphia native nervously looked behind himself to make sure no one he knew was around.
Upon approaching the stairs down to College Road, the students handing out condoms began calling out to him, offering up countless complimentary contraceptives. There were two older male students blocking the path to Mac and two female students standing behind a table slightly farther out of the way. Despite having a relatively unsuccessful first semester, the freshmen reassured himself that, the upcoming weekend brought endless possibilities.
“I figured my best bet was to just go up to the dudes, reach in to their plastic fishbowl thing, grab whatever I could, and keep walking. No one wants to have a conversation, let alone make eye contact, with someone while they’re getting condoms. It’s weird. You like both know what you’re gonna [sic] hopefully do with it. It’s like they can see you naked, and I don’t know, you just don’t need that noise,” Reilly awkwardly mumbled to this reporter while avoiding eye contact.
As it turns out, aimlessly grabbing into the jar proved detrimental for the 19-year-old Biology major. Upon paying for his Honey-QTM wrap, Reilly fumbled his wallet, resulting in one female condom and two packets of lube skidding across the floor of McElroy Commons.
At press time, Reilly had not been seen for 36 hours.