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Honest Takes

Honest Takes: Super Smash Bros

It’s time to Smash, baby. Rock writers Emmett and Dario here to provide our honest, unabridged opinions on all of the characters in Smash Bros 4 (RIP Ice Climbers). Fair warning, there’s quite a bit of Smash Bros jargon ahead, so you’ve been warned. Also, it’s important to remember that these are just our opinions, and that all the characters in Smash Bros are great because Smash Bros is a gift to this world that we mere mortals do nothing to deserve. Alright, with that said, enjoy our hot take of all the characters in Smash Bros 4!

Note: a * symbol indicates a character which one of the author’s mains (aka, we play them a lot and have gotten relatively good at them).

Sheik-

Emmett: Literally a freaking ninja. Only downside: lacking in the kill move department.

Dario: Wait where am I Simulator 2016.

Zero Suit Samus –

Emmett: If only zaps from her stun gun didn’t travel at freaking five miles per hour, they might actually hit people. (Other than this, she is one of my favorites). #zeroskillspamus

Dario: Emmett is a nerd that wants the third best character in the game to be even better for some twisted reason.

Rosalina-

Emmett: Don’t mind me, I’m just gonna let my little star friend sponge up all the damage from your attacks before I launch you.

Dario: Fantastic character until your slave — I mean star — dies. (Emmett: getting rid of her star gives you a tactical advantage!)

Bayonetta –

Emmett: Disgustingly OP. Surprisingly terrifying to play against for someone with butterfly wings.

Dario: Much like many of the other DLC characters in this game, it shouldn’t exist and only exists because some people enjoy other’s pain.

Sonic –

Emmett: I HAVE ONE KILL MOVE. AND IT’S A TOTAL BITCH TO CONNECT.

Dario: Spring kills smh.

Ness –

Emmett: Wanna know what’s the funniest thing ever? Hit Ness offstage when he’s trying to recover, and watch that sweet innocent little child fall into oblivion.

Dario: The fact that you can beat up a little boy with magical powers in a rated E game is pretty great.

Yoshi –

Emmett: I wish I could poop all my problems off a cliff. Yoshi’s got it made.

Dario: What dat mouf do? For real though, just make sure you’re never under the stage with Yoshi or you’re kinda sorta done.

Ryu –

Emmett: Who?

Dario: Might as well buy one of the arcade joysticks because his moves are impossible without it.

Mario –

Emmett: It’s-a me, the only game where Luigi is better than me. (Luigi will always be #1 in my heart).

Dario: The inferior brother. He’s pretty good if you can space people out with your meatballs and hit em with the terrible towel when they try to come back onstage. Also Mario is a huge Steelers fan. Trust.

Captain Falcon –

Emmett: KNEE. OF. JUSTICE.

Dario: It’s called the bronze kneecap Emmett.

Diddy Kong –

Emmett: The king of trolling. He’ll just throw bananas at you all day long, and then he’ll jump on your face. Man, this little guy just loves monkeying around.

Dario: Ever wanted to know what a monkey assaulting your face feels like?

Cloud –

Emmett: Stupid OP character is stupid.

Dario: Once again I refer you to Bayonetta. This time with a lot more anger because this character is a goddamn meme.

Fox –

Dario: FIRE

Emmett: FIRE

Lucas –

Emmett: I prefer Lucas over Ness. PK Ice is better than PK Pulse. Low-key upset that he’s DLC.

Dario: Turns out the only other little kid in this game isn’t related to Ness. Crazy right? It’s almost like that time I found out Marth wasn’t a chick.

Luigi –

*Dario: The real man’s character. The character that demands the respect of everyone you play against. With arguably the steepest learning curve in the game such that only the ones intrinsically in line with the core mechanics of this game can even hope to master him. The superior Mario brother, the winner of sexiest mustache in a Nintendo game 34 years in a row, and the proud owner of a massive estate; us mortals can only dream of being like Luigi.

Emmett: Spoiler alert, Dario has a crush on Luigi.

Roy –

Emmett: Bottom. Of. The. Barrel.

Dario: Roy’s our boy. Turns you into a kebab from all his fire moves.

Pit –

Emmett: He was my main in Brawl, until they totally ruined his recovery and side special (in my opinion). #tragic

Dario: If you play against a competent Pit you’ll never touch the ground. Might as well drop your controller and get a snack cause you’ll be up in the air for a while.

Meta Knight –

Emmett: Nothing like landing one of Meta Knight’s down specials on an unsuspecting foe…

Dario: I think you put the wrong disk in buddy, this isn’t Brawl, play a real character.

Villager –

Emmett: Just when you think he is a friend of the trees by planting one onstage, he’ll go right ahead and chop that sucker down and he won’t even give a courtesy “TIMBER” to let you know it’s coming!

Dario: Behind those glazed over cute eyes is a fire and a passion for the pain and suffering of others that can’t be rivaled. Absolutely bootycheeks to play against.

Dark Pit –

Emmett: Total edgelord. He’s so dark and edgy, my parents won’t let me play as him. If your child plays Dark Pit, be concerned.

Dario: Pretty much Pit’s twin. Turns out he wasn’t lying when he told his mom it wasn’t a phase.

Falco –

Emmett: All I know about this guy is that when he yells FIRE, it isn’t stupid.

Dario: Much like Fox except he isn’t the try-hard character.

Peach –

Emmett: Underestimate her at your peril. Peach has a lot of tricks up her sleeves.

Dario: Turns out the chick that needed to be saved for the past 30 years can kick some ass by herself. Really makes ya think.

Corrin –

Emmett: Don’t mind me, I’m just gonna counter you into oblivion and then spam my OP side special.

Dario: See Bayonetta.

ROB –

Emmett: GYRO. OF. EQUALITY. (yeah, that’s an inside joke)

Dario: Nice character to beat up on your friends with, especially if they’re bad. ‘Cause you know, if you play this guy you don’t need any friends anyway.

Robin –

Emmett: I’d play Robin more often. If. They. Weren’t. So. SLOW.

Dario: If he spent less time reading that dumb book this character would be a lot better.

Wario –

Emmett: The fact that one of his most powerful attacks is a fart rocket just makes my day.

Dario: If you don’t want to have your friends spam his motorbike move across the stage the entire game I suggest you stay away from this fatso.

Marth –

Emmett: As Sterling Archer would say, “just the tip!”

Dario: Nice tiara bro you had me fooled for a long time. Really though, he’s a good character, just not as broken as he was in Melee.

Toon Link –

Emmett: The cuter Link is the better Link.

Dario: Link from Windwaker but without a talking boat, kind of a let down considering he’s basically the same as normal Link.

Ike –

Emmett: The real BC bro’s Smash main. He’s big, he’s tough, he’s hypermasculine, and he’s got a real big sword.

Dario: He fights for his friends. The beginner’s go to character because he ‘like does a lot of damage.’

Donkey Kong –

Emmett: I love playing DK, never mind the fact that I always get thrashed whenever I play him. Maybe it’s just me. Yeah, it’s probably me.

Dario: Gives you the claps. Literally.

Pac-Man –

Emmett: He poops fire hydrants! Enough said!

Dario: If you played the original Pac-Man in the arcade machine you should already have his move set down.

Olimar –

Emmett: I used to LOVE this guy in Brawl, until they ruined him in SSB4 by only letting him have 3 Pikmin. Sad. Also, literally nothing more heartbreaking than hearing the death cry of a Pikmin. You can hear their disappointment and sorrow in their squeals. I’m sorry little guy…*sniff*

Dario: Bite sized astronaut is about to help you launch your controller into orbit. No sympathy.

Pikachu –

Emmett: Two words: Spam. Thunder.

Dario: Pikachu got the raw end of the deal. Along with being an okay Pokémon in the Pokémon games, he’s an okay character here too. At least he has the show to make up for his lackluster performance.

Duck Hunt –

*Emmett: BAE. Y’all know that whenever Duck Hunt enters the match, you can expect nothing but projectile spamming and giggling taunts. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Best part is, if you get too close, the duck will totally bite you. Don’t believe me? Get rocketed off screen by his up air attack and you’ll think twice before attacking him off the ground.

Dario: Super spacey character. Really, really annoying to play against. Can summon pixelated banditos at will.

Dr. Mario –

Emmett: Dr. Mario is literally your mom as she chases you around the house screaming “TAKE YOUR MEDICINE”

Dario: Welcome to Walgreens, your prescription is ready.

Mr. Game and Watch –

Emmett: So annoying to fight. And to watch. I cannot stand Mr. Game and Watch. Nothing personal. It’s just….that level 9 hammer….ugh.

Dario: Bacon flips and hammer hits.

Lucina –

Emmett: Carbon copy of Marth, except her sword isn’t so tippy. Better for beginners, I guess. Or for people like me. People who aren’t beginners, but aren’t good enough to use Marth.

Dario: They had to fill up the roster and instead of putting a different character, oh I don’t know, like Shovel Knight, they put another Fire Emblem character in the game with basically the same moves as Marth.

Mega Man –

Emmett: I tried to get on board with Mega Man. It just never happened. But he has a doggo friend, so he can stay.

Dario: I was actually really hyped for Mega Man when SSB4 was announced because I love his games. But, like most things, Nintendo decided to crush my dreams really early on.

Lucario –

*Emmett: Lucario and I just get each other. Maybe it’s because he gets ridiculously powerful the more you beat on him, and I have a natural talent for racking up damage. Clearly, it’s written in the stars. He also has a counter, and anyone who has Smashed with me knows I love a good counter 😉

Dario: You walk a fine line with Lucario, much like cheesy hero movies he seems to get stronger the harder he gets beaten. Strategy is mainly kill yourself first stock and get beaten until 100% and then you turn into a tank.

Kirby –

Emmett: Play Kirby purely to see what he looks like when he absorbs another fighter’s powers. I happen to prefer his aesthetic after he eats Duck Hunt.

Dario: Basically the same character as the past games and the same amount of enjoyability from playing him.

Bowser –

Emmett: Play Bowser purely for the joy of Bowser-cide (that’s when you grab players and flip them off screen. It kills you too, but the frustration on your opponent’s face makes it all worth the trouble). Also, that side smash…damn son.

Dario: Pretty much like trying to control a hippo. Slow as sludge but also the source of over 500 human deaths a year. Wait…

Wii Fit Trainer –

Emmett: Instead of adding Wii Fit Trainer to Smash Bros, they should’ve added Smash Bros to Wii Fit. Because you know you’d get one helluva workout from that.

*Dario: Arguably one of the funnest characters to play as. She has some pretty annoying moves in her arsenal that never fails to get some people rattled. Not very good in a professional setting but in a nice game with friends, she can be lethal. It’s volleyball time, salute the sun.

Link –

Emmett: Oh you look so nice and peaceful right over there. It would be a shame if SOMEONE DASH ATTACKED YOU. (Literally all Link is good for).

Dario: I think Emmett just might be right on this one. Link is really only good for his dash attacks.

Palutena –

Emmett: People always go, “Hey Emmett, why do you like to play such a terrible character? Palutena literally is awful!” And then I’ll up smash them out of existence…occasionally. But I think it would be a mistake to underestimate Palutena…but probably not the biggest mistake in the world. She also has a counter so #blessup. Palutena is my gal.

Dario: Don’t listen to Emmett, he thinks he’s hot shit because he runs up to people and smash attacks them while they’re fighting someone else. There’s a reason Palutena is down here, her moves are slow and are pretty much all easily punishable.

Bowser Jr. –

Emmett: Bowser Jr. is another favorite of mine to play. He isn’t particularly powerful, but he’s very annoying to play against, and I’m all about that life.

Dario: I honestly forget that he’s a character in the game. His moves are pretty cheesy and have a weird range to them. Watch out for the pocket Bowser Jr.

Little Mac –

Emmett: You thought Ganondorf was screwed the moment he gets off stage? Lol. Meet Little Mac.

Dario: Literally the most annoying character in the game on stage but as it turns out most people can spit farther than he can jump and he falls like a rock once he’s in the air. Kind of like Wile E Coyote.

Ganondorf –

Emmett: Manondorf. He’s so manly and so powerful. And slow. He’s so. Freaking. Slow.

Dario: Easily the best character to play if you’re bored out of your mind. May have been a tank in a past life: slow, heavy, and packs a huge punch.

King Dedede –

Emmett: DO NOT APPROACH! King Dedede is stupid, and if you main King Dedede, you probably have nothing better to do than to just throw Gordos at people. Yeah, I’m looking at you, you-know-who. (Although his taunt is legendary).

Dario: Super annoying character to play against. Especially if the person you’re playing against knows what they’re doing. Dedede will space you out harder than you in your 9am Calc class on Friday.

Charizard –

Emmett: I can’t be the only one who preferred Pokémon Trainer to just Charizard. I love Pokémon trainer, and Charizard was a fun part of that, but Squirtle and Ivysaur were much more fun to play as (my personal opinion). However Charizard now has Flare Blitz, and boy is it super effective.

Dario: Pro tip: mash the B button and point your joystick either left or right. You’ll be chillin with the pros in no time. Trust.

Shulk –

Emmett: Did I say Roy was bottom of the barrel? It’s actually Shulk.

Dario: I was actually surprised to see him down here in the tier list. When you rock swim trunks and your laser sword thing basically reaches across the map, you know you got potential.

Greninja –

Emmett: So many better Pokemon to choose from. How about Blaziken?? Or what about, oh I don’t know…PSYDUCK?! (Come on, you know that would be so much fun).

Dario: He was actually good believe it or not, but then something called patches happened. Now he’s played by people in denial.

Jigglypuff-

*Emmett: Ah, Jigglypuff. Any percentage is kill percentage with Jigglypuff, and you’d better not let her shield break if you aren’t looking for instant death. But her air game is unmatched, and she’ll launch you when you least expect it…and don’t even get me started on the beauty that is Rest. No qualms about it, Resting is so terribly risky, but when it hits, it is oh so rewarding.

Dario: If you haven’t rested someone by the time the game ends, you’re not playing right.

Zelda –

Emmett: I like Zelda. She’s kinda terrible, but teleporting into people is one of the more enjoyable aspects of the game. I keep thinking I’ll turn into Sheik though, and that was the main thing she had going for her.

Dario: If only her moves didn’t take 5 minutes to come out, she would be a good character.

Samus –

Emmett: If Samus could look as cool as she does in her armor, while still being as good as Zero Suit, then I would play her more. But she’s so much worse, so Zero Suit it is.

Dario: As it turns out when you remove the best part of one character and make it into another, one ends up being pretty trash. Sorry Samus, they gave you the Zelda treatment.

Mewtwo –

Emmett: He’s so floaty I’m gonna die! Literally, he gets launched by anything. Still ridiculously fun to play as and he’s got some powerful moves, just wish I didn’t need to pay money to play as him.

Dario: Why they put this kid in and not my boy Squirtle in this game is beyond me but it makes me feel better that he’s all the way down at the bottom.

 

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