Disclaimer: This article is meant to be satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the author or of TRBC.
CONTE FORUM – This season, college basketball madness came a little bit early. Instead of the usual fanatic obsession with college teams in March, the whole country is engaged now. Fans are closely following the scandals surrounding many renowned D1 athletics programs, some of which are accused of offering high school recruits sex and money in exchange for commitments. Even though there are no FBI reports connecting Boston College to the ongoing investigation, Homeland Security and the Magical Congress of the United States of America (MACUSA) are working together on a case accusing Boston College of promising recruits the ability to fly in attempts to lure them to the Heights.
Despite having no 5-star, or 4-star, recruits in their incoming classes, Boston College’s football and men’s basketball teams still popped up on MACUSA’s radar, due to obsessively frequent use of the hashtag “Decide to fly”. BC’s presence as a member of one of the most competitive conferences in the country, coupled with their dreadful history of winless seasons, had fans hoping BC’s name would pop up in one of these scandals, so they could at least have some media exposure.
Unlike how Louisville called hookers escorts for high school players, BC, a Jesuit school, firmly stood its ground and condemned sexual intercourse outside the bonds of matrimony. Instead, the athletic department offered students an alternative way of achieving highs. The passing of Question 4 in the 2016 Massachusetts general election had already put the possibility of being “high all the time” into the minds of Boston College students, so, flight ability being brought up during these recruit visits didn’t come as a total shock.
Additionally, since hover boards are no long allowed on BC’s campus, athletes had to find some way of heading to practice in a cool, fashionable style distinguishing themselves from NARPs. Their special Under Armour backpacks, shoes and, gear are not recognizable enough.
Despite this recent find, the overall outlook toward the athletic department amongst the student body remained negative. In an anonymous poll conducted among BC students that asked if the university should be providing athletes with additional benefits, beyond what they already receive, 32% of students responded “they get scholarships already what more do they want”, 18% voted “I don’t watch sports”, while the rest responded “Fire Addazio”. During a press conference, BC’s athletic department refused to comment on the alleged charges of providing athletes with magical abilities to fly, but MACUSA said they will not stop looking. Tip line for any suspicious air travel sighting of athletes is 800-SUX-TOBU.