Finally, someone has recognized the daily struggle we face with our weak, feminine jaws and decided to do something about it. No longer do we have to worry about crunching on an extra-crispy chip, ruining our fragile jawbones and irritating the strong, important men around us. Now, there are lady Doritos to solve all of our problems!
To start off the month of February right, the officials representing Doritos recently announced they’ve considering launching, “lady-friendly” chips. According to interviews, they want to ensure that the women who find it difficult to chew politely in public (as they should) can sleep easy at night knowing that they can now eat the snack quietly and with dust-free fingers!
Women, according to executives at PepsiCo, the company that owns Doritos, wish to eat the delicious snack the same way as men do, but dread eating the sacred Dorito crumbs at the bottom of the bag in public.
Women, are you afraid licking Dorito dust off your fingers will make you less desirable? Doritos understands and is here to help. Now us Dorito-loving ladies don’t have to worry about dying alone because of our messy eating habits, all thanks to the men who know how we like to eat better than we do!
As a lady who eats, I have some questions and concerns.
If this version of Doritos, for the ladies out there, is supposed to be less messy, will there be less of the delicious powder flavoring that makes the snack so enjoyable?
What about this so-called customized package design that is supposed to allow us helpless women to fit our snack of the day in our small purses? Will this hold less Doritos than a normal-sized snack bag? You do not want to see me hangry, Doritos.
Will the male executives of Doritos apprehend me if I try to eat the manly chips? Sometimes I just want to feel strong like the men around me do, you know?
Long story short, I appreciate your attempt to help out the ladies in the world, Doritos—I really do. But attempt to stop me from eating the original, flavor-filled, dust-covered Cool Ranch chips I have loved all my life because you think I am insecure about my eating habits, and I will politely crunch your head off.